What Do Men Want in a Woman?
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Honestly, I don’t really know what men in general want in a woman. I know what a lot of different men I’ve personally known said they wanted in a woman. But, hey, I’m a woman, so maybe they were telling me the truth, maybe not. Maybe they tell their guy friends something totally different.
Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of guys just tell a woman whatever they think she wants to hear. None of them told me, for example, that the girl of his dreams has a hot body and is terrific in bed, though I’m sure those things are near the top of any guy’s ideal woman list.
Here are a few theories from various experts who claim to know what men want in a woman and their explanations why.
THE MADONNA-WHORE COMPLEX
Sigmund Freud coined the phrase “madonna-whore complex” and used it to describe men who married women who reminded them of their cold, unloving mothers and then couldn’t enjoy sex with them but derived guilty pleasures from “dirty” women.
This basic idea can be heard in the popular saying that every man wants a virgin for a bride who turns into a whore in the bedroom. This whole “good girl” vs. “bad girl” dichotomy was the fine line we females had to learn to walk while growing up, and it was a helluva lot trickier than mastering stiletto pumps! Sexy is good, but slutty is bad. Friendly is good, but flirting is bad. Or, flirting is good, but teasing is bad. Confident, yes! Conceited, no! “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!” “Leave something to the imagination!” “Less is more.” “More is more.” “Shake it; don’t break it!”
We all tried on a lot of different styles of dressing, posing, and acting, based on all the fashion magazines, our favorite movies, and our own peers’ latest experiments. In the end, we finally found what worked best for us, wiser but deeper in debt.
We women have been accused of wanting it all. But, then, so have you men. You can’t have a virgin and a whore, at least not in the same woman. (That’s a lot like wanting to have your cake and eat it, too!) Which, of course, explains mistresses.
THE (CALVIN) COOLIDGE EFFECT
The old story goes that President Calvin Coolidge’s wife was visiting a chicken farm and saw a rooster vigorously mounting chicken after chicken. She was impressed and asked her tour guide if the rooster did that all day long. The guide said indeed it did. She smiled and asked that this information kindly be passed on to Mr. Coolidge. When he heard the news, he asked whether the rooster mounted the same hen each time. He was told, “No, it mates with many different hens.” To which, the President smiled and replied, “Kindly pass that on to Mrs. Coolidge.”
Biologists have observed this Coolidge Effect in all species. The males, even after being exhausted by sexual performance with old sexual partners all seemed to be freshly aroused, ready and willing to perform as vigorously as though he’d never had sex, as soon as a new female sex partner is in the vicinity. Interesting, isn’t it?
Hence the institutions—not to mention laws—of marriage and family, the rights and obligations associated with these, in all our world’s cultures to keep the peace.
THE KNIGHTS, PRINCES, AND KINGS
Just one more theory about what men want in women. But, this one’s a bit more complicated than merely a man’s desire for the impossibly innocent-yet-experienced wife and biological urge for as many different sex partners as possible.
This one is about one man wanting three different types of women as he himself matures over the years. If he is lucky enough to find a woman who also matures in complimentary ways, right along with him, that’s a love match for life!
I first heard about this in a free seminar called “Understanding Men 101″ taught by Alison Armstrong. Here’s what I recall of her fascinating theory in a nutshell.
- a. The Knight (A Man in His 20s)
When a young man is free from his parents for the first time, perhaps away at college or starting his first job and living with friends or roommates, settling down and starting a family is the farthest thing from his mind. He wants fun and adventure. He want to go out and explore the world. And, if he wants a significant other at all, she will have to let him go off on his quests and waits dutifully for his return. Or, he might want someone to ride by his side, as long as she is unafraid and as excited as he is about finding new adventures together. If he loves to hike and ski, then he wants an outdoorsy, sporty type. But, if he prefers to drink, smoke, and dance, then a clubbing partygirl is more likely what he’s looking for.
- b. The Prince (A Man in His 30s – 40s)
It’s not so clear exactly when the next stage in a man’s life is happens. For some it starts in their 30s, for others in their 40s. For a few, sadly, it never happens.
When a man has had his fun and seen enough of the world to want to start doing something unique with his own life, whether it’s to start his own family or to start his own business or something else, his wish list for a significant other naturally changes, too. No longer does he want the party girl or the mountain mama. A lot of long-term relationships break up right about now. Remember Legally Blonde
This stage is called “The Prince Stage” because the man has become a wannabe king. He has staked a claim in his future, in which he hopes to build his “kingdom” of enough wealth, power, and security for his future family to live comfortably. So, for this new, all important goal, he now begins his search for—not for the quiet, unassuming lady or the fun-loving partygirl, but the serious-minded, well-organized, intelligent, and reliable life partner. Someone who can balance the checkbook and run a smooth household. And, counsel and coach the whole family to be the best they can possibly be, all while looking beautiful, confident, and happy doing it.
Donald Trump found this in Ivana Zelnickova, his first wife. Not only did she play a major role in his Trump Organization, creating his signature elaborate gold and marble interior design look, she hosted many society parties for him and attended many social events with him, catapulting the couple into the upper echelons of New York’s social elite in the 1980s. She took care of their two kids, all of their social engagements, and a small chunk of his business, so he was free to focus on work.
- c. The King (A Man in His 50s – 60s)
Assuming a man has built his kingdom, however big or small, he will next advance to The King Phase. Here, the old mid-life crisis occurs because the king now wants a woman who will graciously accept and appreciate all he has worked to present at her feet. What he doesn’t want anymore is the hard-working, super-competent princess who helped him build his kingdom in the first place. Well, this theory certainly explains Donald Trump’s loss of infatuation with Ivana. But, Marla Maples, too? No idea what went wrong there, except they were married while he was temporarily down and out. Anyway, he’s married to Melania Knauss now and, based on what I’ve seen of her on The Apprentice
All interesting theories. So, what do you think? Do you agree with any of them? : )
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August 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I feel the trouble begins when we attempt to make universal classifications. The only universally true classifications are that all human beings like pleasure. We want to feel good. We want to do what we please and we want someone who makes us feel good. So whatever someone feels they want, let them do it. Support them in it. Expect no obligation from them (be self sufficient and have lots of friends). Keep it happy, positive, and uplifting. Whether or not they’re smart enough to see the treasure they have, even if the person you’re with is the fickle, hard to please sort and they run off to someone they thought they wanted more. They’ll know after all the tumult of immediate emotions dissipate, that that person was the best thing they’ve ever had in their life and will probably crawl back hoping for that person to accept them back again. Of course, they won’t change – people rarely do – so I don’t advise getting back with them. I would recommend dealing with them with a “no hard feelings” sentiment. Be about love, happiness, and freedom. In a world like this, the only relational security I see comes in having options and to a person who knows how to rub others in such a way, the options are endless.
I had a free spirit once who was just that fickle way. Yet even free spirits when they see the devotion of a special connection, the integrity of, inquiry into, and quest for real love between the two of them, it works as a substantial inspiration to alter their romantic lifestyle. Some people are so irksome, they play all of the little games that lovers have to play for power, control, and respect. Men can’t do anything unless it’s their idea for it undermines their position and women rarely find interest in a man unless he’s proven himself a worthy romantic candidate (In the world of PUA, they have vile name for this style of examination called ’sh*t tests’[google it]) for most men would just like a small session of bed aerobics. The fact of the matter is, while your theories seem entirely right to some degree, not everyone is going to be the same except in that they all are after pleasure. Most romantic problems are caused by settling for less. So self improve and it opens a new league of candidacy for value, genuine quality love interest(s).
To me, I feel every person wants to be needed, to feel loved, to have a unique and valuable agreement with another person. The ‘when’ and ‘how’ differs thus when you truly learn about another’s personality, if you have the insight you can figure out exactly what they enjoy and can use it to subtly improve their life, on your terms. Again, not expecting anything in return – that’s a sure path to disappointment. Give for the joy of giving, and do what you need to for yourself, and when they do inevitably give you something in return show your level gratitude for it, even if it is just them giving you what you’ve given them. It’s always worked for me.