All About You — Day 21: Fire Your Devil’s Advocate

Monday, September 8th 2008 by Shanel Yang         Email this article to a friend

[For “Day 20: Your Gift to the World,” click here.]

ALL ABOUT YOU — DAY 21:

FIRE YOUR DEVIL’S ADVOCATE

What’s a “devil’s advocate?” It’s a role that we play, or a position that we take, when we start to focus on all the things that can go wrong with our plans. That’s fine up to a point.

But, most of us take it too far. Most of us beat ourselves to a pulp with negativity. We don’t know when to stop with all the “what if’s” and worst case scenarios. But, now that you’ve done the work of finding out who you are (Days 1 - 10 of this “All About You!” series) and what you want (Days 11 - 20), you’re now ready for Part Three of this series (Days 21 - 30): how to get what you want. First, fire your devil’s advocate!

WE DON’T NEED NO DEVIL’S ADVOCATES!

Our friends and family always want the best for us, don’t they? Isn’t that why they are so quick to warn us of every imaginable thing that can go wrong with all of our really big dreams? And, they just don’t stop with all the horror stories of so-and-so, who tried something similar, and, such-and-such, who failed miserably, too. In fact, think back real hard: Have you ever had a family member or friend just listen intently to any big plans you had for your life; then, when you were all done explaining it to them, they smiled at you and said, “That sounds great!” or “You sound serious about this, so I’m sure you’ll succeed!” If you have, you’re very lucky! And, with that kind of support, you’ve probably already begun to succeed.

Don’t worry about losing your own internal devil’s advocate. If you ever need one—which, only the most naively, ridiculously, and unrealistically optimistic person might need—then, you could easily turn to your family, friends, coworkers, bosses, or, even strangers on the street, for all the gloom and doom you can handle.

FIRE ALL OF YOUR DEVIL’S ADVOCATES

Our devil’s advocates, or naysayers, can be external (family members, teachers, friends, coworkers, bosses, and even so-called “experts”) or internal (our own voices in our heads that have learned to perfectly mimic the negative messages from all of our external devil’s advocates). We need to fire all of them. Stop sharing our ideas with them if they are external to us. Stop them in their tracks if they are internal to us (in our heads) and immediately replace them with positive thoughts, till our new positive self-talk becomes as automatic as our old devil’s advocate script. (See “50 Negative v. Positive Thoughts” and “10 Harmful Thoughts.”)

Remember, you can always “hire” back, or “hire” new, devil’s advocates later if you feel you really need them. They’re cheap (usually free) because the world is full of people eager to tell you why you can’t do something awesome with your life.

Now, the people who tell you that you can accomplish your dreams and who can help you do it—those folks are usually quite expensive! Starting at a few hundred dollars an hour, up to tens of thousands of dollars for the same time, they offer valuable advice about how to get healthy, wealthy, and happy by showing you how to have great relationships, how to pursue careers you love, how to accumulate wealth, and how to keep it all in perspective. They’re called doctors, therapists, life coaches, professional mentors, lawyers, financial planners, accountants, etc.

If your family, friends, or coworkers aren’t any more qualified than you are to predict the outcome of your big plans, and you can’t afford a bona fide qualified expert to give you a factual forecast, you’re better off following your own heart.

DEVIL’S ADVOCATE SCRIPT

What do your devil’s advocates always tell you? I’ll be you can predict exactly what each of them would say in response to any new big idea you want to share with them about how you want to improve your life. Are they the type to smirk, roll their eyes, or straight out laugh at you? Or, are they the type to give you a concerned look while they try to sound supportive at first—but soon can’t help starting in with their probing questions and pointing to all the problems with your plan?

Whatever your devil’s advocates’ scripts are, we’ve heard it so often before that we really don’t need to tell them about any of our new plans to know exactly what they’re likely to say. So, don’t tell them. At least not for a while. Let your dreams grow in a secret, safe place till they are strong enough to withstand the harsh storm of anyone’s criticism, however well-meaning the critic may be. Write about it in your diary. Do your research without the danger of your naysayers stomping on the fresh green shoots of your dreams. Or, do you really want to hear this:

1. “Are you serious/crazy/out of your mind?!”
2. “It’ll never work!”
3. “If it’s such a good idea, why hasn’t it already been done?’
4. “It’s already been done.”
5. “What makes you think you can do it better?”
6. “What do you know about starting a business?”
7. “What do you know about computers/blogging/writing/etc.?”
8. “Doesn’t that cost a lot of money—money you don’t have?”
9. “People a lot smarter than you have tried and failed.”
10. “People a lot more skilled than you have tried and failed.”
11. “People a lot more experienced than you have tried and failed.”
12. “There’s already too much competition in that field.”
13. “Do you have any idea how cut-throat the competition is?!”
14. “You have to have the right connections, and you just don’t.”
15. “You have to have a lot of money, and you just don’t.”
16. “You have to have the right education, and you just don’t.”
17. “You have to have the right skills/experience/training, and you just don’t.”
18. “You have to have a whole lot of talent, and you just don’t.”
19. “You have to work like a maniac, and you just won’t.”
20. “You’re too young/naive/trusting/nice. People will take advantage of you.”
21. “You’re too old/stubborn/inflexible. Who’s gonna do business with you?”
22. “No offense, but you’re not attractive/smart/talented enough for that.”
23. “You’re going up against impossible odds. You might as well play the Lotto.”
24. “It’s too risky.”
25. “Are you really gonna risk it all for this?”
26. “What if you fail? You’ll lose everything!”
27. “I hope you have a back up plan.”
28. “What about your family? How do they feel about all this?”
29. “What about your friends? What do they think about all this?”
30. “You remember what happened to your last big idea, don’t you?”

And they end all of this with, “I’m only telling you this because I care about you; and, I don’t want to see you make a big mistake.”

Then, even if you are strong enough to withstand all of that from your external devil’s advocates, your internal advocate starts to kick in:

31. “Maybe they’re right.”
32. “What if I do fail?”
33. “I’ll be so humiliated!”
34. “Everyone will think I’m such a loser.”
35. “They’ll all laugh at me behind my back … maybe even to my face.”
36. “I just couldn’t handle it if I fell on my face on this one.”
37. “I’ve failed in the past; why do I think I’ll succeed this time?”
38. “Maybe I’m just not ready yet to try this now.”
39. “Maybe I need to do a lot more research.”
40. “Maybe I need to save a lot more money first.”
41. “If I do this, when will I ever have time for family?”
42. “If I do this, there’s no turning back and that scares the crap out of me!”
43. “If I do this, I won’t be able to go on vacations, go out to eat, etc.”
44. “If I do this, I won’t be able to afford my old lifestyle—maybe for ever.”
45. “If I do this, I might lose all my friends.”
46. “If I do this and fail, my big dream is over.”
47. “I could lose everything; then, I’d have to start all over again!”
48. “Maybe I am too old to risk everything.”
49. “Maybe I am too young to run with the ‘big boys.’”
50. “Maybe it’s better if I just stick to what I know I can do … even if I hate it.”

And, then, you kill your own dream; or, put it off for another few years. And, so on.

The first step is to fire all of your devil’s advocates, external and internal. The second step is to be your own “guardian angel,” which we will discuss next time. : )

TO BE CONTINUED …

This is going to be an adventurous journey into our past, present, and future lives. None of us can be prepared for what we might find along the way. So, just sit back and enjoy the ride! Also, I hope at least some of you brave souls will share your answers, insights, and revelations in the comments below for everyone’s benefit!

When you’re done, collect your answers and keep them in a safe place. I recommend a diary. It makes a precious gift to someone you love, especially you!

[For “Day 22: Be Your Own Guardian Angel,” click here.]

[For entire “All About You!” series, click here.]

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[For “50 Negative v. Positive Thoughts,” click here.]

[For “10 Harmful Thoughts,” click here.]

[For “10 Reasons to Keep a Diary,” click here.]

[For “20 Questions for Your Diary,” click here.]

[For “Requests for Cuckoo in Your Nest!,” click here.]

[For “How to Be an Extrovert,” click here.]

[For “My 10 Commandments,” click here.]

[For “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright,” click here.]

[For “Change Your Mindset to Change Your Life,” click here.]

[For more “Easy Steps to Success with People,” click here.]