All About You — Day 9: Heroes and Mentors

Monday, August 11th 2008 by Shanel Yang         Email this article to a friend

[For “Day 8: Class, Culture & Income,” click here.]

ALL ABOUT YOU — DAY 9:

HEROES AND MENTORS

We all had heroes when we were young. It was natural for us to look up to and want to be like the adults we admired most. As boys and girls, we often play-acted our heroes.

Boys pretended to be cowboys, police officers, firemen, soldiers, and various superheroes. They also used to want to be explorers, astronauts, and presidents. These days, they mostly want to be pro athletes, rock/rap stars, actors, or some other type of entertainer.

Girls pretended to be princesses, fairies, and ballerinas. We also played at being teachers or mothers, on the one hand, and actresses, models, or any roles that involved a lot of parties and jet-setting—such as spies!—on the other hand. We girls were nothing if not complex. (Not at all the same thing as “contradictory!”) ; )

So, what happened to us? When did we stop having heroes and heroic/glamorous lives to aspire to? And, why? Why did we stop daydreaming about becoming just like them and of having all the things they have (not just their fame/fortunes but also their heroic/admirable traits) for ourselves someday? Was it because we started to believe it was impossible or just too difficult to achieve? If so, why did we start to believe such negative thoughts? Did someone tell us that? Who? Our parents? Our siblings? Our teachers? Our friends? If so, why did we believe them?

I think I know why. We didn’t have a proper mentor while we were growing up. Without a good mentor, childhood heroes do remain mere fantasies, which become pipe dreams, and are eventually abandoned as nothing more than child’s play.

HEROES v. MENTORS

You see, all of us, as kids, had great heroes, but not all of us had great mentors. What’s the difference? Heroes and mentors can be the same person, but often they’re not. To kids who grew up poor, or even middle class, our heroes were usually people who seemed hopelessly out of reach: Celebrities. Perhaps even dead celebrities, like Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Carnegie, or Eleanor Roosevelt. But, even when we idolized living celebrities, their magical aura of superstar status made them seem so far removed from us that we felt we had as much chance of meeting any of them in person as having a nice long chat with Honest Abe himself. Impossible!

Mentors are the folks we actually know personally. They are the ones who encourage us to become our heroes and to never give up on our dreams. In an ideal world, our parents would have been our greatest mentors—if not also our heroes. Failing that, our grandparents or other close adult relatives might have been next in line to fit the bill nicely. If not any of them, then perhaps teachers, school counselors, parent volunteers for various extracurricular activities, coaches, tutors, or religious/spiritual leaders or elders. Or, even our own friends’ parents, etc.

But, if you were like me, and the only mentors you had were your own occasional best friends and fictional characters in books and movies all throughout your childhood and well into early adulthood, then the time for true mentors has come and gone for us. Not to despair! Instead of the guidance and support that others could have given us, we have, in the place of those great advantages, our own fierce self-sufficiency and powers of intuition and sensitivity so intense that they verge nearly to psychic levels! See “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright.”

YOU MUST MENTOR YOURSELF

It’s time to stop searching for mentors to help us become more like our heroes. We must be our own mentors. And, we must do that by carefully weighing all of the advice offered to us by others—whether they genuinely want to help or are wolves in sheep’s clothing. (Though I hate to malign wolves! They’re awesome! See “Never Cry Wolf ” if you are under the mistaken belief that they’re vicious predators.) And, as all great mentors do, we must separate what is worth letting into our hearts and minds to eventually become our own life’s purpose as well as all the tiny bits and pieces of inspiration and clues on how to achieve it from any source we can find.

That’s what I try to do on this blog: Separate the wheat from the chaff amongst the mountain of self-help advice there is out there to provide it here—in a form that I hope is more easily accessible and digestible. I’m not 100% successful. How could I be when I don’t personally know each of you? But, I follow my heart and do my best. And, so should you! Fill in the gaps that I miss for yourself because only you can know what you need most, what works for you, and how best to apply it. That’s what this entire “All About You!” series is all about—helping you know yourself better so you can better mentor yourself in the near future and forever.

I would not be suggesting this if you were a child or even a young adult. But, if you are already in your 30s, then it’s time to become your own greatest, and perhaps your only true, mentor. Keep your heroes. You’ll always need them—even though they’ll change from time to time as you outgrow some and adopt new ones. A hero is anyone who inspires us to think more, feel more, do more, and, thus, be more!

STAY AWAY FROM BAD MENTORS

If you nevertheless feel the need to keep searching for external mentors rather than focusing on the only person who can truly become the best mentor you ever had—yourself—from here on out, then keep this little piece of advice in mind: The only thing worse than no mentor is having a bad one! Let me illustrate this with a story called “The Rabbit’s Thesis” that a new reader/friend shared with me.

The Rabbit’s Thesis

Once upon a time, there was rabbit in the forest, sitting on a stump on a bright sunny day, tapping away on her laptop. Tip, tap, tippity, tap, tap, tap!

The moral of the story is: It doesn’t matter if your research is flawed. It doesn’t matter what your thesis topic is. It doesn’t even matter if your thesis make absolutely no sense whatsoever. What matters is who your thesis advisor is!

Two Kinds of Bad Mentors

1. Mentors with Bad Advice

The first kind of bad mentor is how my dad was to me. He acted like he knew everything. But, he hardly knew anything of value to teach to little kids—or at least he didn’t know how to teach whatever it was he did know. When I was about ten years old, he taught me that if an adult ever tells me something black is white, then I must act as if it was white. He told me that resistance is not only futile, it’s supremely disloyal—even if I’m right and the elder is wrong. Maybe he learned that lesson the hard way as a teenager in the army; but, how crazy to teach that to a little kid in L.A. in the 1970s! To this day, I hesitate before questioning anyone older than me—even silently to myself. I was reminded of this bizarre lesson years later while reading 1984 (1950) by George Orwell. [Spoiler alert! Skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to know the ending.] At the very end, the hero is completely brainwashed into not only believing all the lies he previously hated but also loving the liars as well as the lies! And, so I did love my dad hopelessly, too.

2. Mentors Who Spoil You

Mentors who spoil you are more rare; but, arguably, they do more damage—and more permanently—to your chances of long-term success in life. This would be the lion in “The Rabbit Thesis” tale above. The lion is the rabbit’s thesis advisor or mentor. Though the story is an enjoyably funny one (’cause we all like stories where the prey outsmarts the predator), let’s try to look beyond the humor and fun of it for a moment to see if there are any deeper messages to be learned here.

Under the powerful patronage of the lion, what’s happened to the rabbit? How unnatural that she actually eats foxes and wolves! How bold that she tries to trap and eat a bear—even when her “protector” is too full to bother! And, what will become of the rabbit if the lion should die or otherwise leave her unprotected someday? Unless the rabbit remembers how to fend for herself in the natural ways that rabbits must to survive, how will she do it? Or, does she hope to find another lion to act as her accomplice in the con game? For she knows no “honest” way to survive and has grown fond of meat instead of her species’ normal vegetarian diet.

Parents who spoil their children from an early age leave them similarly unable to fend for themselves in the real world and, worse, create a sense of entitlement in the child such that they develop obnoxious personalities that repel most people.

Another example are kids who find powerful mentors in gang members. Sure, it’s great to walk around your neighborhood like you own it if your gang happens to be on top. You can sit out in the sun all day and not worry about being harassed by any strangers or rival gang members as long enough of your gang is safely nearby. And, with the relatively easy money from your gang’s cons/crimes, who wants to work (vegetarian diet) when there’s plenty of ill-gotten cash (meat) to be had? And, even if these kids later want to go straight, how much harder it must be with criminal records! Or, even if they got lucky enough to avoid criminal activity, they’ll still have to learn how to survive and succeed in the world without a real gang.

TO BE CONTINUED …

This is going to be an adventurous journey into our past, present, and future lives. None of us can be prepared for what we might find along the way. So, just sit back and enjoy the ride! Also, I hope at least some of you brave souls will share your answers, insights, and revelations in the comments below for everyone’s benefit!

When you’re done, collect your answers and keep them in a safe place. I recommend a diary. It makes a precious gift to someone you love, especially you!

[For “Day 10: So Who Are You?,” click here.]

[For entire “All About You!” series, click here.]

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[For “200 Hero Quotes,” click here.]

[For “25 Inspiring Work Quotes,” click here.]

[For all posts about different QUOTES, click here.]

[For “10 Reasons to Keep a Diary,” click here.]

[For “20 Questions for Your Diary,” click here.]

[For “Requests for Cuckoo in Your Nest!,” click here.]

[For “How to Be an Extrovert,” click here.]

[For “My 10 Commandments,” click here.]

[For “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright,” click here.]

[For “Change Your Mindset to Change Your Life,” click here.]

[For more “Easy Steps to Success with People,” click here.]