All About You — Day 4: Childhood Traumas
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[For “Day 3: Childhood Happiness,” click here.]
ALL ABOUT YOU — DAY 4:
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS
Literally millions of people around the world suffer from anxiety, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, or other recurring, seriously disruptive fears, worries, or behaviors at some point in their lives. Why?
That’s the question that spiritual leaders, philosophers, doctors, and psychologists have been grappling with since the beginning of human existence. And, they have all labored to produce a plethora of fascinating answers.
However, none of those answers have proved 100% satisfactory. None of them perfectly explain why some of us seem capable of enduring the most unspeakable hardships and still remain positive and upbeat while others of us cringe at the very idea of even the slightest hint of rejection—and even from total strangers! Why?
Most experts now agree that the answer is at least in part some combination of—or interaction between—our biology (e.g., genes, brains, hormones, etc.) and our environment (families, friends, community, culture, geography, etc.). Experts also agree that our earliest years (0 - 6 years)—and the interaction between our biology and environment during those formative years—have powerful, far-reaching, long-term effects on the rest of our lives that present real challenges for some of us while bestowing tremendous benefits on others. But, that does not mean those challenges—however overwhelming they may seem at first—cannot be overcome!
I firmly believe that any hardship can be overcome if you: (1) want to enough; (2) have the courage to believe you can; and, (3) take the steps necessary to make it happen. Participation in this 30-day “All About You!” series is an important step in the right direction. Do the exercises. Keep thinking about your answers and what it all means. Then, ask yourself again after a few months. Monitor your progress.
CHILDHOOD TEMPERAMENT
In our first 2 - 3 months, we already began to demonstrate some very important personality traits. Some of us as babies cried at the slightest sound or when direct sunlight touched our faces, while others of us seemed not to care too much about that level of stimulation. Experts believe these differences were largely shaped by our genetic makeup, but also strongly influenced by our environments, both while still in the womb (mother’s level of physical/mental/emotional health, consumption habits; stress, noise, and activity levels; amount, type, and quality of attention directed at us while we were in there) and during our first few months after birth.
Many psychologists believe that our adult Big 5 Personality Traits developed from how much we showed five of our earliest childhood temperaments: (1) positive affect; (2) activity level; (3) attentional persistence; (4) fearfulness; (5) irritability and frustration. They believe that positive affect and possibly high activity levels translate into extroversion and openness to experience, that attention persistence is a good indicator of conscientiousness and agreeableness, and that fearfulness, irritability, and frustration may become adult neurotic/pessimistic beliefs/behavior.
A. POSITIVE AFFECT, FEARFULNESS, AND IRRITABILITY/FRUSTRATION
Some babies smile and laugh more than other babies. Some are quite fussy. The reason for these differences, as mentioned above, are some complex combination and continuing interaction of biological and environmental factors. However, the bottom line is that babies with more positive affect are generally more pleasant to be around; hence, they receive more positive feedback, which, in turn, encourages them to continue smiling and laughing, and so on. Unfortunately, the opposite is true, too. Babies who cry more easily and for longer periods, who are difficult to care for, and who don’t develop as quickly as others in their peer group also run the risk that their own parents and caregivers (intentionally or not) begin to show their disappointment in them or even reject them on some deep subconscious level that affects their interactions so negatively that even babies and pets can sense it.
B. ACTIVITY LEVEL AND ATTENTIONAL PERSISTENCE
Activity level can be physical or mental and refers to the need to move around more or think about a greater variety of things in the same amount of time that a lower activity temperament baby or child needs to do or think in order to be comfortable/satisfied/happy. Attentional persistence is somewhat related to activity level. It refers to a child’s inclination or ability to stick to more difficult, time-consuming tasks. Children with low levels of attentional persistence usually give up as soon as they experience frustration; and, they rarely try again.
DIFFICULT, EVEN TRAUMATIC, CHILDHOODS
In Abnormal Psychology: Core Concepts
We begin life with few built-in patterns and a great capacity to learn from experience. What we do learn from our experiences may help us face challenges resourcefully and may lead to resilience in the face of future stressors. Unfortunately, some of our experiences may be much less helpful in our later lives, and we may be deeply influenced by factors in early childhood over which we have no control. One good example of ways in which the events in one child’s life may be vastly different from those in another child’s life is whether they are predictable or controllable. At one extreme are children who grow up in stable and lovingly indulgent environments, buffered to a large extent from the harsher realities of the world; at the other extreme are children whose experiences consist of constant exposure to unpredictable and uncotrollable frightening events or unspeakable cruelties. Such different experiences have corresponding effects on the adults’ schemas [overarching views or paradigms] about the world and about the self: Some suggest a world that is uniformly loving, unthreatening, and benign, which of course it is not; others suggest a jungle in which safety and perhaps even life itself is constantly is constantly in the balance. Given a preference in terms of likely outcomes, most of us would opt for the former of these sets of experiences. However, these actually may not be the best blueprint for engaging in the real world, because it may be important to encounter some stressors of control (e.g. Barlow, 2002a; Selignman, 1975) or self-efficacy (Bandura, 1986, 1997).
Exposure to multiple uncontrollable and unpredictable frightening events is likely to leave a person vulnerable to anxiety and negative affect, a central problem in a number of mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. For example, Barlow’s (1988, 2002) and Mineka’s (1985a, Mineka & Zinbarg, 1996, 2006) models emphasize the important role that experience with unpredictable and uncontrollable negative outcomes has in creating stress, anxiety, and depression (see also Abramson et al., 1978; Chorpita, 2001; Chorpita & Barlow, 1998; Seligman, 1975). It is important to note that a person exposed to the same frequency and intensity of negative outcomes that are predictable and/or controllable will experience less stress and be less likely to develop anxiety or depression.
In this section we will examine the types of psychosocial factors that make people vulnerable to disorder or that may precipitate disorder. Psychological factors are those developmental influences—often unpredictable and uncontrollable negative events—that may handicap a person psychologically, making him or her less resourceful in coping with events. (However, it is important to remember that psychosocial causal factors are always ultimately mediated by changes that take place in our nervous systems when emotions are activated and when new learning takes place.)
We will focus on four categories of psychosocial causal factors that can each have important detrimental effects on a child’s socioemotional development: (1) early deprivation or trauma; (2) inadequate parenting styles; (3) marital discord and divorce; and (4) maladaptive peer relationships. Such factors typically do not operate alone. They interact with each other and with other psychosocial factors, as well as with particular genetic and temperamental factors and with particular sociocultural settings or environments. In other words, although psychosocial factors are often studied independent of genetic, temperamental, and sociocultural factors, a more comprehensive biopsychosocial understanding should be the ultimate goal.
A. CHILD ABUSE AND/OR NEGLECT
This subject is very close to my heart, having been a victim of crazy, violent, unpredictable physical abuse from my mom and emotional abuse and neglect from my dad, both from birth till my dad died in 1992 and till I finally broke away from my mom completely in 2002. In the interest of preserving some objectivity on this topic, I again quote from Butcher, Minetka and Hooley rather than paraphrasing it:
Children who do not have the resources that are normally supplied by parents or parental surrogates may be left with deep and sometimes irreversible psychological scars. The needed resources range from food and shelter to love and attention. Deprivation of such resources can occur in several forms. The most severe manifestations of deprivation are usually seen among abandoned or orphaned children, who may be either institutionalized or placed in a succession of unwholesome and inadequate foster homes. However, it can also occur in intact families where, for one reason or another, parents are unable (for instance because of mental disorder) or unwilling to provide close and frequent human attention and nurturing.
We can interpret the consequences of parental deprivation from several psychological viewpoints. Such deprivation might result in fixation at the oral stage of psychosocial development (Freud); it might interfere with the development of basic trust (Erikson); it might retard the attainment of needed skills because of a lack of available reinforcements (Skinner); or it might result in the child’s acquiring dysfunctional schemas and self-schemas in which relationships are represented as unstable, untrustworthy, and without affection (Beck). Any of these viewpoints might be the best way of conceptualizing the problems that arise in a particular case, or some combination of them might be superior to any single one because, as we have noted, the causal pathways are usually multidimensional.
Most infants subjected to parental deprivation are not separated from their parents but, rather, suffer from maltreatment at home. In the United States, approximately 2.6 million reports of abuse and neglect are made annually, and about one-third are found to be accurate (Cicchetti & Toth, 2005). There are also countless numbers of other unreported cases. Parents can neglect a child in various ways—by physical neglect, denial of love and affection, lack of interest in the child’s activities and achievements, or failure to spend time with the child or to supervise his or her activities. Parental abuse cases involve cruel treatment in the form of emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse.
Outright parental abuse (physical or sexual or both) of children has been associated with many negative effects on their development, although some studies have suggested that, at least among infants, gross neglect may be worse than having an abusive relationship. Abused children often have a tendency to be overly aggressive (both verbally and physically), even to the extent of bullying (e.g., Cichetti & Toth, 2005; Emery & Laumann-Billings, 1998). Researchers have also found that maltreated children often have significant problems in behavioral, emotional, and social functioning, including conduct disorder, depression and anxiety, and impaired relationships with peers, who tend to avoid or reject them (Cichetti & Toth, 1995a, 1995b, Shonk & Cichetti, 2001).
Abused and maltreated infants and toddlers are also quite likely to develop atypical patterns of attachment—most often a disorganized and disoriented style of attachment (Barnett, Ganiban & Cichhetti, 1999; Crittenden & Ainsworth, 1989), characterized by insecure, disorganized, and inconsistent behavior with the caregiver. For example, such a child might at one point act dazed and show frozen behavior when reunited with his or her caregiver. However, at another point he or she might actually approach the mother but then immediately reject and avoid her. These “confused” patterns of relating to their mother appear up to a least age 13. Moreover, their atypical attachment pattern may generalize to new relationships as well (Cichetti & Toth, 1995a, p. 549; Shields, Ryan & Cichetti, 2001).
These effects of early abuse may endure into adolescence and adulthood. For example, several reviews concluded that childhood physical abuse predicts both familial and nonfamilial violence in adolescence and adulthood, especially in abused men (Cicchetti & Toth, 1995a; Emery & Laumann-Billings, 1998). Thus, a significant proportion of parents who reject or abuse their children have themselves been the victims of parental rejection. Their early history of rejection or abuse would clearly have had damaging effects on their schemas and self-schemas, and they were probably unable to internalize good models of parenting (e.g., Shields et al., 2001). Kaufman and Zigler (1989) estimated that there is about a 30 percent chance of this pattern of intergenerational transmission of abuse (see also Cicchetti & Toth, 1995a).
Specifically on how depressed parents negatively affect their children:
The effects of depression in one family member extend to children of all ages as well. Parental depression puts children at high risk for many problems, but especially for depression (Goodman & Gotlib, 1999; Murray et al., 1996). A skeptic might argue that such studies merely prove that these disorders are genetically transmitted. However, the evidence for genetic influences on childhood depression is much more mixed than the evidence for genetic influences on adult depression (Goodman & Gotlib, 1999). Moreover, many studies have documented the damaging effects of negative interactional patterns between depressed mothers and their children. For example, depressed mothers show more friction and have less playful, mutually rewarding interactions with their children (see Goodman & Gotlib, 1999; Murray & Cooper, 1997). They are also less sensitively attuned to their infants and less affirming of their infants’ experiences (Murray et al., 1996). Furthermore, their young children are given multiple opportunities for observational learning of negative cognitions, depressive behavior, and depressive affect. Thus, although genetically determined vulnerability may be involved, psychosocial influences probably play a more decisive role (Goodman & Gotlib, 1999; Murray & Cooper, 1997).
B. FOUR MAJOR PARENTING STYLES (THREE ARE HARMFUL)
Even in the absence of severe deprivation, neglect, or trauma, many kinds of deviations in parenting can have profound effects on a child’s subsequent ability to cope with life’s challenges and thus can create a child’s vulnerability to various forms of psychopathology. Therefore, although their explanations vary considerably, the psychosocial viewpoints on causes of psychopathology all all focus on the behavioral tendencies a child acquires in the course of early social interaction with others—chiefly parents or parental surrogates (e.g., Sroufe et al., 2000).
You should keep in mind that a parent-child relationship is always bidirectional: As in any continuing relationship, the behavior of each person affects the behavior of the other. Some children are easier to love than others; some parents are more sensitive than others to an infant’s needs (e.g., Parke, 2005). For example, parents who have babies with difficult temperaments (who are very prone to negative moods) find it difficult and stressful to deal with their babies (e.g., Putnam, Sanson & Rothbart, 2002). In an early study, Rutter and Quinton (1984b) found that parents tended to react with irritability, hostility, and criticism to children who were high in negative mood and low on adaptability (see also Croutler & Biooth, 2003).
In general, it has been found that parents who have various forms of psychopathology (including schizophrenia, depression, antisocial personality disorder, and alcohol abuse or dependence) tend to have children who are at heightened risk for a wide range of developmental difficulties. The focus of most research in this area has been on mothers, but there is good evidence that disordered fathers also make significant contributions to child and adolescent psychopathology, especially to problems such as depression, conduct disorder, delinquency, and attention-deficit disorder (e.g., McMahon & Giannini, 2003; Phares, Duhig & Watkins, 2002). Although some of these effects undoubtedly have a genetic component, many researchers believe that genetic influences cannot account for all of the adverse effects that parental psychopathology has on children (e.g., Goodman & Gotlib, 2002; Hammen, 2002; Sher, Grekin & Williams, 2005).
For example, although many children of alcoholics do not have difficulties, others have elevated rates of truancy, substance abuse, and a greater likelihood of dropping out of school, as well as higher levels of anxiety and depression and lower levels of self-esteem (Grekin, Brennan & Hammen, 2005; Sher et al., 2005). In addition, the children of seriously depressed parents are at an enhanced risk for depression and other disorders themselves (Burt et al., 2005; Hammen, 2002), at least partly because depression makes for unskillful parenting—notably including inattentiveness to children’s many needs (Gelfand & Teti, 1990), excessive criticism, and ineffectiveness in managing and disciplining the children (Cicchetti & Toth, 1998; Rogosch, Cicchetti & Toth, 2004). Not surprisingly, children of depressed mothers are also more likely than children of nondepressed mothers to have insecure attachment relationships (Cicchetti & Toth, 1995b) and to live in environments with high levels of stress (e.g., Hammen, 2002).
Four types of parenting styles have been identified that seem to be related to different developmental outcomes for the children: (1) authoritative; (2) authoritarian; (3) permissive/indulgent; and, (4) neglectful/uninvolved. These styles vary in the degree of parental warmth (amount of support, encouragement, and affection versus shame, rejection, and hostility) and in the degree of parental control (extent of discipline and monitoring versus leaving the children largely unsupervised; Emery & Kitzmann, 1995; Maccoby & Martin, 1983; Morris, 2001).
1. Authoritative (Warm with Moderate Control): The authoritative style is one in which the parents are both very warm and very careful to set clear standards and limits on certain kinds of behaviors, while allowing considerable freedom within these limits. They tend to be attentive and sensitive to their child’s needs while still enforcing their limits. This style of parenting is associated with the most positive early social development; the children tend to be energetic and friendly and to show development of general competencies for dealing with others and with their environments (Baumrind, 1993; Siegler, DeLoache & Eiserberg, 2003). They also usually have secure attachment relationships (Karavasilis, Doyle & Markiewicz, 2003) and show high levels of overall well-being, as well as good school performance in late adolescence (Berk, 2003; Slicker & Thornberry, 2002). When followed into adolescence in a longitudinal study, children of authoritative parents continued to show positive outcomes.
2. Authoritarian (Cold with High Control): Parents with an authoritarian style are high on control but low on warmth. They often appear quite cold and demanding, favoring punitive methods if their children disobey. Their children tend to be conflicted, irritable, and moody (Baumrind, 1975, 1993; Berk, 2003; Siegler et al., 2003). When followed into adolescence, these children tend to be lower in social and academic competence than children of authoritative parents, with boys doing particularly poorly in social and cognitive skills. If such authoritarian parents also use overly severe discipline in the form of physical punishment—the result tends to be increased aggressive behavior on the part of the child (Emery & Kitzmann, 1995; Patterson, 1979).
3. Permissive/Indulgent (Warm with Low Control): Permissive/indulgent parents are high on warmth but low on discipline and control. This lenient style of parenting is associated with impulsive and aggressive behavior in childhood and adolescence (Hetherington & Parke, 1993; Siegler et al, 2003). Overly indulged children are characteristically spoiled, selfish, impatient, inconsiderate, and demanding (Baumrind, 1971, 1975). In adolescence, they tend to do less well academically and to show more antisocial behaviors. Confusion and difficulties in adjustment may occur when “reality” forces them to reassess their assumptions about themselves and the world.
4. Neglectful/Uninvolved (Cold with Low Control): Finally, parents who are low both on warmth and control exhibit the neglectful/uninvolved style. They tend to be disengaged and not supportive of their children. This style of parental uninvolvement is associated with disruptions in attachment during childhood (Egeland & Sroufe, 1981; Karavasilis et al., 2003) and with moodiness, low self-esteem, and conduct problems later in childhood (Baumrind, 1991; Hetherington & Parke, 1993). These children of uninvolved parents also have problems with peer relations and with academic performance (Berk, 2003).
C. PARENTS’ BAD MARRIAGE AND/OR DIVORCE
Disturbed parent-child patterns such as parental rejection are rarely found in severe form unless the total familial context is also abnormal. Thus disturbed family structure is an overarching risk factor that increases an individual’s vulnerability to particular stressors. We will distinguish between intact families where there is significant marital discord and families that have been disrupted by divorce or separation.
1. Parents in Bad Marriages: Whatever the reason for marital discord, when it is long-standing, it is likely to be frustrating, hurtful, and generally damaging in its effects on both adults and their children (e.g., Amato & Booth, 2001; Parke 2005). More severe cases of marital discord may expose children to one or more of the stressors we have already discussed: child abuse or neglect; the effects of living with a parent with serious mental disorder; authoritarian or neglectful/uninvolved parenting; and spouse abuse. But even less severe cases of marital discord also have negative effects on many children of parents with high levels of overt conflict showed a greater disposition to behave aggresively toward both their peers and their parents than children from less conflictual marriages (Cummings, Goeke-Morey & Papp, 2004; Du Rocher, Schudlin, Shamir & Cummings, 2004).
Several recent longitudinal studies have clearly documented that the damaging effects of serious marital discord on children continue into adulthood: The offspring’s own marriages are more likely to be marked by discord (whether or not the parents divorced). Some of this intergenerational transmission of marital discord may be the result of the offspring having learned negative interaction styles by observing their own parents’ marital interactions (Amato & Booth, 2001).
2. Divorced Families: Partly as a consequence of a growing cultural acceptance of divorce, approximately a million divorces now occur yearly in the United States according to the National Center for Health Statistics (as cited in Divorce Statistics Collection, 2005).
- a. Effects of Divorce on Parents
Unhappy marriages are difficult, but ending a marital relationship can also be enormously stressful for most adults, both mentally and physically. The negative effects are temporary, with most people being able to adapt constructively within 2 to 3 years, but some adults never fully recover (Amato, 2000; Hetherington, 2003a). Divorced and separated persons are overrepresented among psychiatric patients, although the direction of the causal relationship is not always clear. In their comprehensive reviews of the effects of divorce on adults, Amato and Keith (1991b) concluded that it is a major source of psychopathology, as well as of physical illness, death, suicide, and homicide. It should also be recognized, however, that divorce actually benefits some individuals (Amato, 200)—with some evidence that women are more likely to benefit than men (Hetherington, 2003a). Overall, good adjustment after divorce is positively associated with higher income, dating someone steadily, remarriage, having had relatively favorable attitudes toward divorce before it happened, and being the partner who initiated the divorce (Amato, 2000).
- b. Effects of Divorce on Children
Divorce can have traumatic effects on children, too. Feelings of insecurity and rejection may be aggravated by conflicting loyalties and, sometimes, by the spoiling the children may receive while staying with one of the parents. Not surprisingly, some children do develop serious maladaptive responses. Temperamentally difficult children are likely to have a more difficult time adjusting than are temperamentally easy children (Hetherington, Stanley-Hagan & Anderson, 1989). Somewhat ironically, difficult children may be the ones whose parents are more likely to divorce, perhaps because having difficult children is likely to exacerbate marital problems (Block, Block & Gjerde, 1986; Hetherington, 1999).
Delinquency and a wide range of other psychological problems are much more frequent among children and adolescents from divorced families than among those from intact families, although it is likely that a contributing factor here is prior or continuing parental strife (Chase-Lansdale, Cherlin & Kiernan, 1995; Rutter, 1979). In addition, a number of studies have demonstrated that the adverse effects of divorce on adaptive functioning may persist into adulthood. On average, compared to young adults from families without divorce, young adults from divorced families have somewhat lower educational attainment, lower incomes, lower life satisfaction, and an increased probability of being on welfare and having children out of wedlock (Chase-Lansdale et al., 1995; Hetherington et al., 1998). Children from divorced families are also more likely to have their own marriages end in divorce (Amato & DeBoer, 2001; Hetherington, 2003b).
Nevertheless, many children adjust quite well to the divorce of their parents. Indeed, a quantitative review of 92 studies on parental divorce and the well-being of children, conducted on 13,000 children since the 1950s, concluded that the average negative effects of divorce on children are actually quite modest (Amato & Keith, 1991a; see also Emery, 1999; Hetherington, 2003b), as are the negative effects persisting into adulthood (Amato & Keith, 1991b). Amato and Keith (1991a, 1991b) also found that the negative effects of divorce seemed to decrease from the 1950s through the 1980s (particularly since 1970), perhaps because the stigma of divorce was decreasing. However, a follow-up review of 67 such studies published in the 1990s showed nu further decreases in these negative effects since 1990 (Amato, 2001).
The effects of divorce on children are often more favorable than the effects of remaining in a home torn by marital conflict and dissension (Amato & Keith, 1991a; Emery & Kitzmann, 1995; Hetherington et al., 1998). At one time it was thought that the detrimental effects of divorce might be minimized if a successful remarriage provided an adequate environment for childrearing. Unfortunately, however, the Amato and Keith (1991a) review revealed that children living with a stepparent were often no better off than children living with a single parent, although this was more true for girls than for boys. Other studies have shown that children—especially very young children—living with a stepparent are at increased risk for physical abuse (injury and even death) by the stepparent, relative to children living with two biological parents (Daly & Wilson, 1988, 1996).
D. HARMFUL PEER RELATIONSHIPS
Important peer relationships usually begin in the preschool years. Children at this stage are hardly masters of the fine points of human relationships or diplomacy. Empathy—the appreciation of another’s situation, perspective, and feelings—is at best only primitively developed. We can see this in a child who turns on and rejects a current playmate when a more favored playmate arrives. The child’s own immediate satisfaction tends to be the primary goal of any interaction, and there is only an uncertain recognition that cooperation and collaboration may bring even greater benefits. A substantial minority of children seem somehow ill-equipped for the rigors and competition of the school years, often because of temperamental factors in the child and/or psychosocial deficits in their family. A significant number of them withdraw from their peers and become schoolyard loners. A significant number of others (especially males) adopt physically intimidating and aggressive lifestyles, often becoming neighborhood bullies. Being either a loner or a bully does not bode well for good mental health outcomes (e.g., Coie et al., 1992; Dodge et al., 1997).
Several studies have found bullies to show high levels of both proactive aggression (where they initiate the aggressive behavior) and reactive aggression (where they overreact when confronted; e.g., Salmivalli & Nieminen, 2002). Although some bullies probably behave this way because of deficits in social skills, others (often the ringleader in a group of bullies) have a more sophisticated understanding of social behavior, which enables them to manipulate and organize their peers so that they can avoid being caught while making others suffer (Sutton, Smith & Swettenham, 1999). Although most children profess attitudes against bullying, when bullying actually occurs, most students do nothing to intervene or support the victime (and as many as 20 to 30 percent actually encourage the bully; Salmivalli & Voeten, 2004). A small percentage (approximately 20 percent), however, do take the side of the victim and may even help defend him or her.
Fortunately, there is another side to this coin. Peer relations can be difficult, but they can also be sources of key learning experiences that stand an individual in good stead for years, perhaps for a lifetime. For a resourceful child, the winning and losing and the successes and failures of the school years provide excellent training in coming to grips with the real world and with her or his developing self—its capabilities and limitations, its attractive and unattractive qualities. The experience of intimacy with a friend has its beginning in this period of intense social involvement. If all goes well, a child emerges into adolescence with a considerable repertoire of social knowledge and skills that add up to social competence. Such resource can be strong protective factors against frustration, demoralization, despair, and mental disorder (Masten & Coatsworth, 1998).
There also appear to be two types of rejected children—those who are too aggressive and those who are very withdrawn. The first category of rejected children takes an excessively demanding or aggressive approach when interacting with their peers. They often take offense too readily and attribute hostile intent to the teasing of their peers, thus escalating confrontations to unintended levels. They also tend to take a more punitive and less forgiving attitude toward such situations (Coie et al., 1991; Crick & Dodge, 1994). This may be especially likely in children who have been maltreated by their parents and have therefore developed maladaptive mental representations of caregivers and expect maltreatment (Cicchetti & Toth, 2005). Being rejected and being aggressive at one point in childhood greatly increases the probability of aggressive and delinquent behavior later on, especially in boys (Coie, 2004).
The second subset of children who may become chronic victims of rejection are not aggressive but, rather, are highly unassertive and quite submissive toward their peers, often because of social anxiety and fear of being scorned or attacked (Schwartz, Dodge & Coie, 1993). Such isolation is likely to have serious consequences, because it deprives a child of further opportunities to learn the rules of social behavior and interchange, rules that become more sophisticated and subtle with increasing age (Coie, 1990). Repeated social failure and/or becoming the victim of bullies is the usual result, which has further damaging effects on self-confidence and self-esteem and sometimes leads to loneliness and depression (Berk, 2003; Burks, Dodge & Price, 1995).
SUMMARY IN A NUTSHELL
As I mentioned, the information provided above was too important for me to paraphrase, given my status as a survivor of child abuse and neglect. I was also a victim of peer abuse, particularly in my eighth grade. (See “How to Be an Extrovert.”) But, now that it’s all laid out, a brief summary is probably helpful.
Many seriously distressing thoughts/feelings/behavior (depression, anxiety, shyness, loneliness, high-maintenance personalities, codependency, addictions, eating disorders, antisocial tendencies, violent tendencies, self-destructive tendencies, etc.) have their root causes (at least for that individual) in his or her parents because parents provide us with both our biological makeup and our earliest environments, starting from our mother’s womb and the biological and environmental details of her own mind, emotions, and body. All of this shape our temperaments.
If our parents’ have bad relationships, marriages, or divorces, that affects how they provide for, care for, and react to our earliest temperaments, especially if their parenting styles tend to be too strict, too lenient, or, simply, too uninvolved. Then, if those harmful parenting styles are combined with too many unpredictable and uncontrollable instances of abuse and/or neglect during our early years, whether by our parents, other adults, or our siblings or peers, the result is childhood trauma.
Once again, I must stress that our futures are not written in stone. We make our own futures. Our thoughts create our destiny. In the next post in this “All About You!” series, “Day 5: Childhood Triumphs,” I explain how overcoming our childhood traumas actually makes us stronger and more resilient—yet more compassionate and intuitive—than others who have never endured such difficult childhoods.
TO BE CONTINUED …
This is going to be an adventurous journey into our past, present, and future lives. None of us can be prepared for what we might find along the way. So, just sit back and enjoy the ride! Also, I hope at least some of you brave souls will share your answers, insights, and revelations in the comments below for everyone’s benefit!
When you’re done, collect your answers and keep them in a safe place. I recommend a diary. It makes a precious gift to someone you love, especially you!
[For “Day 5: Childhood Triumphs,” click here.]
[For entire “All About You!” series, click here.]
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[For “10 Reasons to Keep a Diary,” click here.]
[For “20 Questions for Your Diary,” click here.]
[For “Requests for Cuckoo in Your Nest!,” click here.]
[For “How to Be an Extrovert,” click here.]
[For “My 10 Commandments,” click here.]
[For “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright,” click here.]
[For “Change Your Mindset to Change Your Life,” click here.]
July 29th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Hi Shanel,
I came across your blog for the first time and enjoyed reading your posts. Your posts are very comprehensive and give the readers something to think about.
Shamelle
TheEnhanceLife.com
July 30th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Hi Shamelle! Thanks for your comment and feedback! Glad you enjoyed the posts!
July 31st, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Hi Shanel,
I am totally in awe of this ambitious series you are taking on. This will be a pillar content for many of us whose themes include psychological healing.
I’ll have to check this book out — I love any information that gives insight into our psychology and its development.
I was just commenting on Principles of Peace (http://principlesforpeace.com/?p=119) that despite the wide, wide spread of depression, not many self improvement/personal development blogs seem to address the issue. Maybe because I’m still relatively new and haven’t come across many? But you and Jennifer at PoP and I seem to share mental health as a common ground. I’m eagerly following you on this series.
Oh, one thing — I thought it ironic that you call your blog easy steps to success. There is nothing easy about what you are tackling here. Though it’s a truly worthy subject.
With much admiration,
ari
July 31st, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Hi Ari! Great to see you here again! Thank you so much for your comment and very thoughtful feedback! I have to agree with you that depression is not a topic easily found on most personal development or self-help blogs. I think most people would rather not write about it because it’s too … well … depressing! But, having personally suffered the dangerous consequences of simply hoping that someday I would just magically wake up a happy person without having to deal anymore with my messed up past, I feel morally obligated to do what I can to help others deal more directly with their messed up pasts, too. And, I do believe that most of us had messed up pasts. It’s just that some of ours were more messed up than others.
Yeah, this 30-day project is a bit ambitious for me as a relatively new blogger — and, to tell you the truth, it’s turned out to be quite challenging so far to put it all together. However, I hope it’s still “easy” for all the readers to follow along. At the very least, I know it’s much easier for everyone to do these exercises than to continue trying to ignore the underlying problems of unhappiness or unfulfilled dreams, which effort always requires a huge amount of energy from both our subconscious and conscious minds — when those same efforts could be directed more effectively at rooting out the real source of our problems. And, the roots of depression or anxiety are like horseradish roots: They can invade your whole garden unless you keep them in check! It’s a constant process. But little “Band-Aid” solutions on our many surface symptoms never work for long, either; and, worse, they waste more of our precious time, energy, and resources. So, it is my sincerest hope that at least one person out there is inspired by this “All About You!” series to nip their depression/anxiety/horseradish roots in the bud and just bravely face their past to, first, understand and, then, shake loose its stranglehold on our happiness!
August 1st, 2008 at 10:58 am
Shanel,
This project is indeed ambitious, but what a wonderful gift, especially to anyone who up until now thought they had to live with and be defined by their childhood traumas.
You realize, of course, that what you have here is a book in progress. Thank you.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:14 am
Hi Flora! Today must be my lucky day to receive so many great comments from you! And, thank you so much for your suggestion of turning this project into a book! What a terrific idea! I’ll be putting some serious thought into that now. : )
August 1st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Hi Shanel,
Thanks for a detailed response. I totally agree with you about getting to the root of the problem. I’ve even used the same “band-aid” analogy many times. I do find that Americans tend to like quick & easy — I don’t mean to be too ethnically biased, but I do wonder if the fact that you are a Korean and I am a Japanese have anything to do with what we’re attempting to do.
Here’s what I wrote on that very subject. I think you’ll see that we’re going down the same direction…
http://ourbestversion.com/2008/07/low-self-esteem-is-the-root-of-all-problems/
ari
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 am
Hi Ari! I wanted to wait till I finished reading both your excellent posts (”Low Self-Esteem Is the Root of All Problems” and “How I Healed My Damaged Self-Esteem“) before I responded to your latest comment. Now that I’ve read them, I’m thoroughly impressed! You have managed to distill the many and complex potential causes of most adult depression/anxiety/fears/insecurities down to a single core cause — low self-esteem! Wow!!!
I agree with everything you wrote. You might be onto a new self-healing movement focused primarily on repairing what you call our “Level 1 Self-Esteem.” (Too bad lowselfesteem.com and lowselfesteem.org are already taken! But, ourbestversion.com has a nice, positive ring to it!) I strongly believe that if we can repair our Level 1 Self-Esteem issues (”You deserve to exist.”) then Levels 2 and 3 will naturally follow. So, you are correct to suggest that we are basically on the same path to help others heal by examining their past, as you and I have done and continue to do with an eye toward looking for ways to rewire our thoughts/feelings/beliefs about who we are, why we are this way, and how we can change for the better. Keep up the great work! I’ve subscribed to your RSS feed and look forward to reading more of your great posts!
September 9th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Hello Shanel,
Today I was reading day-4 of ‘all about you’ series. It’s awesome. It is clear that to write this article You had made a great research. Well I also read comments. In one of the comment, you have been requested to write a book.
Well I am moving to next chapter of series and hoping for more informational contents.
Thanks
Gaurav Bhatnagar
September 9th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Hi Gaurav! So good to see you’re following this series! Thanks for your comment and positive feedback! I love to research the topic of human relationships, so it was my pleasure to put this together. I’m very glad to know you’re enjoying it! : )