100 Best Lawyer Jokes

Wednesday, June 11th 2008 by Shanel Yang

I first started hearing lawyer jokes when I announced my intention to go to law school to my family and friends, way back in the 80s. I thought I had heard them all.

But, in doing a little research, I was amused to find at least a few good ones I’d never heard of before.

These are all in good fun. After all, you could replaced the lawyers in each of these jokes with almost any profession. It’s a fact of life that there are good apples and bad apples in every field. All we can do is strive to be one of the good apples!

I’m a firm believer in laughter is great medicine. It gives us all a chance not to take ourselves so seriously. Despite my many years as a lawyer—or, perhaps, because of it—I present a little harmless humor aimed at the once-revered, noble profession.

100 BEST LAWYER JOKES

1. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three—all the rest are true.

2. What’s the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

3. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side.

4. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

5. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

6. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them, but you never see them.

7. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

8. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.

9. What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures? Lawyers get frequent flyer miles.

10. What’s the difference between lawyer and buzzards? Lawyers have removable wing tips.

11. What’s the difference between a bankrupt lawyer and a pigeon? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

12. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

13. What’s the difference between a bucket of pondscum and a lawyer? The bucket.

14. What’s the difference between a pity and a shame? A busload of lawyers going off a cliff is a pity; an empty seat left on the bus is a shame.

15. What’s the definition of mixed emotions? Watching your attorney go over a cliff in your new Porsche.

16. What’s the definition of a lawyer? A mouth with a life support system.

17. What’s a criminal lawyer? Redundant.

18. What’s the ideal weight for lawyers? About three pounds, including the urn.

18. How do you define double jeopardy? When a lawyer calls in her partner.

19. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Your honor.

20. What do you call a judge gone bad? Senator.

21. What do you call 100 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

22. What happened to the banker who went to law school? She’s a loan shark.

23. What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement? A whine cellar.

24. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

25. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

26. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? No changes occur.

27. What’s the difference between God and an attorney? God doesn’t think he’s an attorney.

28. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

29. What’s the difference between a law firm and a circus? At a circus, the clowns don’t charge the public by the hour.

30. What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut open an onion.

31. Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick.

32. Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie?” Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s property and alimony.

33. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman Pinscher.

34. How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? You can’t squeeze your finger between the rope and his neck!

35. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? See if his lips are moving.

36. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

37. How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

38. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Throw him a rock.

39. Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning? No? Good!

40. How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!

41. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.

42. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.

43. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

44. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

45. If you were stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila the Hun, and a lawyer, and you had a gun with only two bullets, what would you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

46. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

47. What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him, just to make sure.

48. What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start!

49. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.

50. Why do lawyers get buried 10 feet down instead of the traditional six? Because deep down they’re not such bad guys.

51. What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.

52. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.

53. What’s the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.

54. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? Practice makes perfect.

55. Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

56. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

57. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull? Jewelry.

58. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.

59. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

60. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a slimy, bottom-dwelling, scumsucker; the other’s a fish.

61. Why is going to a Bar Association meeting like going to a bait shop? You can find a lot of leeches, maggots, and nightcrawlers there.

62. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

63. What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.

64. What’s the difference between W.C. Fields and F. Lee Bailey? One’s a pompous, gin-soaked clown; the other’s an actor.

65. How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

66. How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say “Fees!”

67. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a Bar Association convention? The bartender.

68. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

69. Why do male lawyers usually wear tight shirt collars and ties? It keeps their foreskins from rolling back up over their heads.

70. Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

71. Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every few years.

72. Scientists have started using lawyers instead of rats for their experiments. They’re more plentiful. Their brains are about the same size. Researchers don’t get attached to them. And, there are just some things that even rats won’t do!

73. An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready to go. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who’s still passing out his business cards.”

74. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

75. I’m going to sponsor a convention to honor honest lawyers as soon as I can find a phone booth to hold it in.

76. “You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth; but, every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

77. After telling a friend about losing a court case. The friend asked, “Did your lawyer give you bad advice?” “No, he charged me for it.”

78. I broke a mirror the other day. That’s seven years bad luck! But, my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

79. A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?” The father thought for a moment. “Yes, Son,” he replied. “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

80. A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” he asked. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

81. Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing it was stuck to another $100 bill. As soon as he saw the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to mind: “Do I tell my partner?”

82. The two partners of a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go back to the office; I forgot to lock the safe!” “What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”

83. A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, exclaimed to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses!” One of the local boys spoke up when he heard this and said, “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”

84. A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage. The bad guys threatened that unless their demands were met they would release one lawyer every hour.

85. A doctor told his patient that her test results showed she had only six months to live. “Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient. “Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”

86. A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers’ club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them the fight of their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.” The boss yelled back: “You moron! I warned you to stay away from lawyers; we had $100 before we went in there!”

87. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

88. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

89. As the lawyer slowly awoke from his risky operation, he said, “Why are all the curtains drawn, doctor?” “There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think you didn’t survive the surgery.”

90. A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of fiery torment, he saw a lawyer talking with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” he muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a gorgeous woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

91. If you laid all the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator … it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

92. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

93. Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe

94. An attorney met and old friend for drinks after work. “I don’t understand, she complained to her friend. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?” Her friend thought about it for a moment and said, “Maybe it just saves time.”

95. Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. “How’s it going?” someone asked. “Not too bad,” Diogenes answered. “I still have my lantern.”

96. Jurassic Park has been released on video. I can’t help but wonder how many people will buy it for the great acting, how many people will buy it for the special effects, and how many people will buy it to see the lawyer get eaten again.

97. BAD NEWS v. TERRIBLE NEWS

A man sat in his lawyer’s office. The lawyer asked him, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” asked the man in disbelief. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

98. LAWYERS v. ALLIGATORS

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?”

“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch ‘em?”

“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?”

“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ‘em, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!”

“Aha!” says the big alligator, “There’s your problem. By the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of ‘em, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase.”

99. NOT ENOUGH PARACHUTES

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were on a plane having engine trouble. The pilot tried his best, but the plane continued plunging to the ground. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the others that they had to bail out, too, and jumped out of the plane. The problem was there were only three parachutes left.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I ave lives, so I should live,” and jumped out.

Next, the lawyer grabbed one said, “I’m the smartest man in the world, so I should live,” and jumped out.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and go in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just left with my backpack.”

100. A BLONDE v. A LAWYER

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers tend to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention, and, realizing he won’t stop bothering her till she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde looks at him blankly, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to him.

“Okay,” he says. “Now it’s your turn.”

She asks him, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer looks puzzled, takes out his laptop computer, and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress. Still no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and coworkers. But, none of them know the answer, either. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says, “thank you,” and rolls back toward the window.

The lawyer, now thoroughly agitated, demands, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Silently, she reaches into her purse, hands him another $5, and goes back to sleep.

CONCLUSION

If you know of any that I missed, please feel free to add your own favorites!

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