Easy Anger Management

Saturday, June 7th 2008 by Shanel Yang         Email this article to a friend

There is a great book on anger management written by Ron Potter-Efron called Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control. About seven years ago, my then boyfriend picked it up for himself because he thought he might have an anger problem. But, as it turned out, I needed it much more than he did.

It helped me get a grip on my life, which had been slowly spiraling out of control for years, but had suddenly gathered into a perfect storm when, all of a sudden, my family, work, and relationship all spun out of control at the same time. The funny thing is I never even thought I had an anger problem until I read that book—the second time. Why the second reading?

The first time, I read it quickly (and angrily!) just to satisfy my then boyfriend who demanded that I read it after he had finished reading it. By that stage in our relationship, the fighting had gotten so bad that I was ready to try anything. So, I grabbed the book from him and resentfully began reading it. At first, I was shocked at how accurately the book described what I thought were my very personal and unique problems. I was even more surprised to learn that anger was at the bottom of all of it. I really couldn’t believe I had let myself become a chronically angry person. And, yet, I fit all the criteria, showed all the signs, and suffered all the symptoms. I wanted to deny it. But, what I wanted more was to make myself better. So, I read it a second time. And, this time, much more slowly and calmly.

This book provided very simple, practical, step-by-step instructions on how to stop being angry all the time. It wasn’t quick, but it worked. Now, I want to share its excellent advice with all of you—just in case any of you might need it, too.

THE ANGER LADDER

Anger can range from relatively mild to crazy violent. It always begins small. But, left unresolved, it always grows till something’s gotta give. Potter-Efron came up with an excellent visual: a ladder. Each higher rung of the ladder is a greater level of anger. Depending on where you are on the anger ladder, you can’t just jump off. You have to come back down the same way you went up: one rung at a time.

1. RUNG ONE: SNEAKY ANGER

This is the mildest form of anger. It begins to develop when you feel powerless around other people, like a child against a tyrannical parent, or an employee against a real high-maintenance boss. So, you learn passive-aggressive behaviors to “deal with” your true angry feelings that you were not allowed to express more directly for fear of serious punishment. However, you never thought to unlearn these sneaky anger tactics when you no longer needed them. They grew comfortable, familiar, and automatic to you, so you kept on using them—maybe without even realizing it. Now it’s time to notice when you use it and to try to stop.

What is sneaky anger? It’s acting contrary to your true feelings of anger, which totally confuses and frustrates the people we are angry with. We might act forgetful or make excuses. We might play dumb. Withhold information. Act innocent. Apologize for an oversight. We act as though everything is normal and fine; but, really, we are angry. If we have been using sneaky anger for a very long time, we may not even be able to tell ourselves whether we’re really angry or not.

The way to stop using sneaky anger is to communicate your feelings honestly, using polite, direct, and specific language. Ask for what you need or want. Then, give them a chance to satisfy your needs or wants. If they don’t satisfy genuine needs, then it’s time to think about whether you should stay in that relationship. However, if they say “no” to something you merely want, but don’t necessarily need, then accept their decision without sulking or otherwise punishing them.

We can’t always have what we want. Just like we can’t always give what others want. The important thing is to know the difference between your wants and needs and to be reasonable about your needs. Then, let the people around you know which is which when you ask for them. That way, you’ll be giving them a fair chance to give you all the things you really need. This also means that you’ll have to let them off the hook if they don’t give you the things you merely want.

2. RUNG TWO: THE COLD SHOULDER

Giving people you’re angry with the cold shoulder or silent treatment is a little more direct than sneaky anger because at least they know you’re angry with them. However, they may not know exactly why—even if you think they should. All they know is you’re punishing them for something you believe they did that you didn’t like. But, of course, this doesn’t solve the problem. If you’re too afraid you’ll blow up, take a time-out. But, explain what you’re doing and that you’ll talk to them as soon as you can without the fear of blowing up. Then, as soon as you’re ready, use polite, direct, and specific language to communicate your needs or wants.

3. RUNG THREE: BLAMING AND SHAMING

If you don’t succeed in getting what you want with sneaky anger or giving the cold shoulder, you will climb the anger ladder to the next rung, which is blaming and shaming. You blame others for your anger. “You made me mad! It’s all your fault!” Then you shame them by telling them there’s something inherently wrong with them that can’t be fixed. Shaming messages generally fall into one of five broad categories: (a) “You’re no good.” (b) “You’re not good enough.” (c) “You’re unlovable.” (d) “You don’t belong.” (e) “You shouldn’t exist.” But, this tactic always backfires. You eventually get blamed and shamed right back. Pretty soon, you’re getting more angry and climbing the anger ladder to the next, higher rung.

4. RUNG FOUR: SCREAMING, SWEARING, AND YELLING

Screaming, swearing, and yelling make you look ridiculous and are signs that you are losing control of your anger. No matter what you have heard, this kind of “release” is not good for you. First, you don’t need to let off steam. You just want to. Second, exploding is actually bad for your health. Third, if you want to act like a maniac, do it in your car by yourself, where no one can see or hear you.

You need to tell yourself to stop this type of behavior immediately. There is no excuse for offensive, abusive, bullying body language and verbal attacks. If you don’t stop, you will quickly climb to the next, higher rung of the anger ladder.

5. RUNG FIVE: DEMANDS AND THREATS

Demands and threats, also known as the ultimatum: “Do it or else.” Or else what? “I’ll leave you. Withhold affection. Act mean towards you. Ignore you. Throw tantrums. Whatever you do, I’ll do it more and longer. I will never forgive you. I’ll call you names and criticize you. I’ll spoil your good time. I’ll keep you awake when you want to sleep. I’ll take back everything valuable I ever gave you. I will embarrass you in front of your friends and family. I won’t accompany you to any social events you want me to attend. I’ll turn all my family, friends, and coworkers against you. I will remind you every chance I get that I’m too good for you.” But this only works for a short time. Then what? The next rung of the anger ladder.

6. RUNG SIX: CHASING AND HOLDING

Physical violence begins as soon as you forcibly take away another person’s freedom. Violence is the use of force, or threat of force, against other people’s rights. Violent acts injure them even if you don’t physically touch them. Chasing and blocking their exit, or holding them so they can’t leave, takes away their right to choose where they want to be and what they want to do. You think you’ve gained temporary control; but, you’ve actually crossed over into criminal acts.

7. RUNG SEVEN: PARTIALLY CONTROLLED VIOLENCE

Not all of us have made it up this far on the anger ladder. But, on the other hand, too many of us have. My parents definitely spent a lot of time on this rung.

Shove. Pull. Pinch. Slap. Hit. Kick. Choke. Stab. Shoot. The goal is power and control to make them do what you want and to show them who’s boss. This is partially controlled violence because the attack is intentional. You know what you’re doing, even if you later claim it was an accident. You plan to stop when you get your way. But, you can’t control violence forever. Sooner or later, it takes over, and you will lose control. Violence always escalates. There’s no such thing as a little violence. Besides, it’s a primitive way to get what you want—an act of desperation that makes you look monstrous and immature at the same time.

It usually doesn’t work too well. Rule by force only lasts as long as the force is applied. It inspires fear and hatred, not love or respect. If left unchecked, it finally leads to the worst possible kind of anger: uncontrolled violence, or blind rage.

8. RUNG EIGHT: BLIND RAGE

Normally, when we experience anger, our “old” brain (limbic system) is automatically stimulated, preparing us to fight for flee. Thus, our anger actually has a good purpose, to help us survive dangerous situations. Next, our “new” brain, where our ability to reason lies, gets stimulated so we can decide what to do about our anger. This more developed, newer part of our brain tells us what the problem is, what to do about it, and how to best use the extra surge of energy from the anger.

However, severe anger overpowers the new part of our brain because that part cannot handle excessive amounts of this extreme anger. When too much “fight or flight” anger surges in there, it shuts itself off in order to avoid a blowout—also turning off all rational thought in the process. Now, nothing controls our anger. We couldn’t if we tried. It automatically turns into blind rage, which is a mixture of crazed anger and terror. The goal of blind rage is to destroy. To kill or be killed. This is not the state you want to let yourself get into around your loved ones.

CONCLUSION

Climb back down the anger ladder the same way you climbed up: one rung at a time. Stop the worst behaviors first. End the violence and threats, if that applies to you. Take timeouts to stop the violence. Leave the scene until you have cooled down. This is not the time to try to solve any problems. Relax. Stop trying to control others. Accept differences. Ask, don’t demand. Reward, don’t punish or threaten. Keep your abusive mouth closed until you learn to talk decently. Speak quietly and don’t swear. Be responsible for everything you say and do. Treat others with respect. Tell others what bothers you. Be polite, direct, and specific.

The book offers much more useful information than I can possibly fit into this one article. E.g., there is a great chapter for partners of angry people—and another great one about how most of us got angry in the first place. I highly recommend it!

For a copy of Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control, click here.

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