Is She into Me or Just Nice?

She smiles at you every time you see her. She even says, “Hi! How are you?” and remembers your name. Sometimes, you share short, polite conversations. But, that’s it.

Is she just being nice? Or, could she be interested in going out with you?

There are so many reasons why a woman or girl is nice to a man or boy, but only one of those reasons is that she’s interested in him romantically.

As an Asian female, my parents and elders taught me to be nice and polite to just about everybody, but especially to people in power, even if they were outright rude or mean to me. And, growing up, boys definitely had more power than girls. It was not much different between men and women in the adult world, either. I know this is true of many cultures around the world, and I suspect it’s true of people here in the U.S., too.

But, what does all this have to do with whether she’s into you or not? A lot. If you’re shy, don’t want to offend her, or embarrass yourself, you have to read the situation correctly. Just a little extra effort in terms of observation plus good old-fashioned common sense should do the trick. Here’s what to look for.

HOW TO KNOW IF SHE’S INTO YOU OR JUST BEING NICE

1. Is she as nice to other people (especially other guys like you)?

Without stalking her, spying on her, or otherwise making her feel uncomfortable, try to notice how nice she is with other people, especially other guys. You might be too focused on how she’s been treating you while ignoring how she’s been treating others. She might be just as sweet and charming to others. Step back and look at the big picture. If you can’t be objective, ask a trusted friend for their opinion.

2. Are you her supervisor (or do you have other authority over her)?

If you are her boss or have some other authority over her (e.g., building manager, security guard, etc.), there are several problems with this scenario. First, even if she is into you, this is just a bad idea. Not only are you risking a potential sexual harassment situation (regardless of your guilt or innocence), your company most likely has rules against it—whether those rules are written or unspoken.

3. Are you her coworker (or does she have authority over you)?

As mentioned above, women are socialized to be nice to everybody. But, our tendency to walk around with a smile and a laugh for everyone is even stronger at work where we have a financial interest in getting along with the entire company. In fact, many women are too nice to succeed as much as we would like in their careers unless we learn to act differently. (See, “Success in the Corporate World.”)

Just because you are a coworker or a subordinate, that doesn’t always protect you from a sexual harassment lawsuit. And, the company rules apply to everyone no matter what your position. So, the bottom line is workplace romance is playing with fire. Best to avoid it, and look for love just about anyplace else but there.

4. Does she ever go out of her way to talk to you?

Do you initiate all the conversations and do most of the talking? Or, does she sometimes do this? Who does it more? If she does it at least 50% of the time, she might be into you. But, then again, she might just be sociable to everyone. However, if she doesn’t do it at least 50% of the time, she’s probably not into you.

5. Ask her about a hypothetical date.

The best way to find out if she likes you is to ask her for a date. But, that’s intimidating because if she says “no” you both might feel awkward for a while. A better way is to ask her for a hypothetical date. For example, casually or jokingly ask her, “What would you do if I asked you out to a movie this weekend?” Then, even if she says “no,” she’s only declining a hypothetical invitation, so you can simply smile or laugh it off with, “Too bad!” or “Good to know!” You can go right back to being as friendly as before; but, now you know she’s not really into you.

There are many different ways she can say “no” to the hypothetical date question. For example, she might say, “I’d have to say no because I’m busy.” Or, “I’d have to say no thank you.” Or, “I’d have to think about it.” This last one is tricky. It sounds like she might go out with you, but she’s going to make you work for it. Do you really want to pursue a situation like that any further? You can reply with, “Really? What would you have to think about?” If she continues to act coy or to tease you, then you have to decide whether you want to start a relationship with someone who enjoys playing manipulative mind games from the get-go.

CONCLUSION

If you find out she’s not into you, just move on to the next person. “One door must close before another opens.” Just think of all those doors waiting to open for you!

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