Is Guilt Ever a Good Thing?
As a symptom—like pain—that something’s not right, guilt can be a very good thing.
It tells us that maybe we did something wrong, or could have done something better. But, emphasis on the word “maybe.”
It’s just as likely that we did everything right, or did the best we could under the circumstances. But, the guilty feeling is our conscience telling us to stop, look back, and closely examine what happened because there are, as yet, important lessons to be learned from that experience or event. This kind of self-reflection is critical to our moral development and to our sense of who we are, and, hence, what we are capable of in the future.
In any event, our conscience will not let us move on with our lives until we go through this process sincerely. And, if we try to avoid it, guilt begins to eat away at us from the inside until we are riddled with signs of it on the outside.
WHAT IS OUR CONSCIENCE?
As with so many seemingly mysterious and complex systems of human behavior, e.g., physical attraction and falling in love, our conscience is yet another way to ensure that our genes get passed along to the next generation and beyond.
Humans are born with instincts and drives to form social groups for better protection from the many dangers in the world and to accomplish more as a whole than we could as individuals. Naturally, behavior that threatens the cohesiveness of the group needs to be discouraged—or even outlawed—in order to maintain the continued health of the group. Thus, over time, and based on the specific needs of any particular group at any given time (because each group’s needs is different and even their needs change with time), certain behaviors are deemed “wrong,” “bad,” or, even, “evil.” And, anyone found or assumed to have engaged in such behaviors are regarded by members of that group with fear, disgust, or contempt.
Conscience is our inner drive that prompts us to avoid doing things that might make others fear or hate us. Some things are universally judged wrong, bad, or evil, like murder. But, other things are relative, such as suicide, which, depending on the circumstances, can make martyrs or heroes out of the people who either kill themselves or let themselves be killed without doing much to defend themselves. Another example that shows how different cultures sometimes have wildly different sets of morals is the lifeboat dilemma: “If you were on a small boat that could only save you and one other person, and you must stay in the boat because you are the only one who can row it to safety, but you had to choose between saving your mother (or father or other beloved parental figure), the love of your life, or your only child, whom would you choose? If you do nothing, everyone will drown.”
People from the Far East are more likely to choose the parental figure due to a long history of ancestor worship. People from the West are more likely to choose their only child because of the strong emphasis on youth and preference for their children above all else. Their thinking is somewhat utilitarian because they often explain their choice like this: “My parents already had the chance to live their lives and my spouse, too, to an extent. But, my child would have lost an entire life. Besides, I’m sure my spouse would want me to save our child.” Finally, the people who pick the love of their life are the rarest of all and are typically diehard romantics or freethinkers. Their rationale about why they wouldn’t choose their parents is the same as for those who chose their only child. But, what reason do give for not choosing their only child? “The love of my life is one in a million. It was a miracle that I found him/her at all. We can always have more children or adopt.”
WHAT IS GUILT OR SHAME?
Our conscience is at work when we feel guilt or shame. We feel guilt when we realize we made others experience unnecessary discomfort or fear. And, we feel shame when we believe we have done something disgusting or contemptible.
LIVING IN HARMONY WITH OUR CONSCIENCE
Just as pain tells us we might have something wrong with our bodies that we need to look into further, guilt or shame tells us we might have done something wrong that we need to examine more closely before we can go on with our lives in harmony with our conscience. The thing to do is to rationally examine the facts to figure out exactly what is causing the pain, guilt, or shame. If you jump to the conclusion that every headache means you have a brain tumor, or that every chest pain means you’re about to have a heart attack, you’ll make yourself a nervous wreck! Instead, you need to learn more about these symptoms and the most likely causes for them under your particular circumstances. For example, the most common cause of headaches is tension and the most common cause of chest pain is indigestion. However, if you know you are already at risk for brain tumors or heart attacks, then you are right to be nervous and should seek immediate medical attention as soon as you experience headaches or chest pain, respectively.
What about guilt and shame? How do you examine what you did more closely to determine whether your past actions require further action, such as a sincere apology, a change in your future behavior, or some other amends? Start by trying to see the the event in question from the point of view of the other persons involved. (This is an excellent exercise for your diary.) Do your best to understand what they were feeling and thinking before, during, and after the event. Try not to get defensive, angry, or critical during this process. It’s important to remain as objective as possible, even though I know this is hard. Imagine what you would do if you were in their shoes. How you would react to what you did? What would you say to you if you were them? How you would treat you if you were them?
You can even ask them how they felt, or are currently feeling, about the event. Explain that you are feeling guilt or shame about the event and would very much appreciate it if they would share their feelings about how they felt about it. If they say “no,” then thank them anyway; and, if you mean it, you can add, “I understand.” Otherwise, you can end it with the “thank you.” If they are willing to tell you, by all means, listen to everything they have to say without defending yourself, arguing with them, or criticising them. When they are done telling you, thank them for their honesty and tell them you will think about everything they said but that you need time to process all of it. If, after you’ve considered all of the facts, you are convinced you caused them undue discomfort or fear, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Even if they don’t give it to you, the act of asking for it is enough. Or, if, after searching your soul, you are certain you did something disgusting or contemptible, then sincerely apologize and seek forgiveness from those you offended. Again, just asking for their forgiveness is enough. Then let go.
However, if, after deeply examining the event in question, you find that you would not have judged yourself as harshly as they did if you were them—and that most people would agree with you—then it’s time to let go of the guilt and shame. Some people are just high maintenance, and we could never satisfy them no matter how hard we tried. Just understand and accept that it’s their problem and not yours. Don’t let them drag you down. Move on with your life now that you’ve made peace with your conscience. And, be sure to repeat this process every time you feel lingering guilt or shame about any event. The quicker you do, the better!
CONCLUSION
Whether other people forgive us is not nearly as important as us forgiving ourselves. Often, we are our own worst critics and blame ourselves for things that we would never even think about blaming others for if they did them. That’s not fair, is it? We need to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves—at least as much as we are willing to be to others. Why? Because we are just as much in need of our own love and kindness, if not more, since no one can give us the self-love and guidance we all need to to provide for ourselves. Be awesome! Be your own hero!
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[For “High-Maintenance Relationships,” click here.]
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[For “What Would You Do If You Couldn’t Fail?,” click here.]
[For “Change Your Mindset to Change Your Life,” click here.]
[For “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright,” click here.]
[For “How to Set and Achieve Goals in 5 Simple Steps,” click here.]
[For “10 Reasons to Keep a Diary,” click here.]
[For “20 Questions for Your Diary,” click here.]
[For “25 Statements to Happiness,” click here.]
[For “30 Statements for Great Relationships,” click here.]
[For “200 Happiness Quotes,” click here.]
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