Why We Really Fall in Love

Sunday, May 18th 2008 by Shanel Yang         Email this article to a friend

If you want to make him or her fall in love with you, try these latest tips:

1. Talk less. This goes double for women because we tend to talk more. A date is not a job interview. You don’t have to brag about all your accomplishments, admit any of your weaknesses, or talk about where you see yourself in 5 to 20 years.

In fact, it’s generally a good idea to avoid discussing any of these topics on the first several dates—maybe as many as 10. Take it slower rather than faster. Test the waters. Look for clues and cues from your date.

Psychologists found that we decide whether we like someone in 1 1/2 to 4 minutes. Fifty-five percent of our decision is based on the person’s body language, 38% on his or her tone and speed of voice, and only 7% on what they actually say.

For body language tips, see “The Science of Physical Attraction” and “How to Look Great at the Beach.” Also, see No. 5 below for body language and voice tips.

2. Look into his/her eyes and smile often. Meaningful gazes (without popping your eyes or raising your eyebrows, which looks either silly or crazy), peppered liberally with spontaneous smiles, create electricity and chemistry—as long as the gazes are mutual. If your date seems put off by your gazes, you’re probably staring too hard. Give him/her a break once in a while and check out the scenery.

Doctors found at least two things happen when we see something we like: (1) our pupils dilate and (2) pleasure chemicals are released in our brain. However, we can also trick our brain into releasing the same pleasure chemicals simply by staring closely at something long enough, which automatically causes our pupils to dilate. Our brain gets confused about which came first, the dilation or the attraction, but it releases the pleasure drugs anyway. Now we have an emotional bond with the previously neutral object. This is how we can initially be impartial to, or even dislike, someone, but, over time, eventually find that they have “grown” on us. Therefore, a few romantic date suggestions are a candlelit dinner, a weenie roast at the beach, or an overnight camping trip in the local mountains with a cozy campfire.

3. Don’t play hard to get to the one you want. Let the one you want know, not in so many words, that you are selective about your dates but he or she made the cut. One study showed that men don’t want to date women who are always saying yes to every dating opportunity or always saying no to everyone. Rather, they preferred the woman who picked just one, and they all wanted her to pick them!

4. Be willing to try new things. This is attractive because it shows, not only that you’re confident enough to try new things, but that you’re also funloving, flexible, and cooperative—all highly sought-after traits in life partners and friends. Also, studies showed that couples get more attracted to each other if they share high-adrenaline or high-anxiety experiences like scary movies or rollercoaster rides.

5. Mirror him/her to the extent you naturally can. Whether we admit it or not, we all prefer to be around other people who pretty much think and act like we do. If we happen to share similar interests, all the better. If we love the same movies, books, and music, we start to fall in love on the spot. Why? Because we all love ourselves the most, and that’s exactly as it should be. (If you think you don’t love yourself the most, email me for a free copy of my eBook Cuckoo in Your Nest!)

Try to mirror their body language, tone and speed of voice, and topic and level of intimacy in conversation. If they trust you with an intimate detail, reciprocate with one of your own if you trust them enough and feel comfortable enough to do it.

THE SCIENCE OF FALLING IN LOVE

Scientists who studied brain scans of people newly and madly in love found that their brains were more active in the areas typically associated with desire and reward, as opposed to the areas associated with merely sex. This means that different and much more powerful chemicals are controlling us when we are in love than when we just want to have sex. Hence, getting turned down for sex is not usually a huge deal, but getting rejected by the one we love can be devastating. We fall in love because the pleasure chemicals that get released into our system every time we even think about our new love is as intense as any drug addiction. One of the chemicals is dopamine, which simulates cocaine! So, if you don’t want to fall in love with a particular person, don’t spend a lot of time with them. And, women, especially, should not have sex with them because that releases yet another set of chemicals in your brain creating strong emotional attachments!

WHY WE REALLY FALL IN LOVE

Why we really fall in love is, through countless prior generations, the process of natural selection has made our brains automatically give us pleasure drugs whenever we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch members of the opposite sex that are most likely to have genes that can combine with our genes to produce healthy, disease-resistant babies. If we allow ourselves to spend more time with such people who drive us literally crazy with desire (serotonin levels in the blood of people in love matched the amounts found in people suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), we will eventually form an addiction to that person. That’s not always a problem, for example, if they feel the same way about you, the two of you are both unattached and available, and nothing else is in the way of your happily ever after. However, such strong feels like result in codependency or worse. So, be careful!

CONCLUSION

Love is a truly amazing feeling. I’m not knocking it. When it’s good, it’s great! But, like the ocean, it can be tantalizingly beautiful and gentle one moment, then life-threateningly tumultuous the next. You have to know what you’re doing every time you go out there. It’s best not to just strip down, jump in, and take your chances. Test the waters as you go. Take it slow. There might be an undertow.

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[For “Why Do We Fall in Love?!,” click here.]

[For “Is She Into Me or Just Nice?,” click here.]

[For “Why Won’t He Call?,” click here.]

[For “The Science of Physical Attraction,” click here.]

[For “How to Ask for a Date,” click here.]

[For “How to Find Your Soul Mate,” click here.]

[For “4 Signs that a Marriage Will End in Divorce,” click here.]

[For “30 Statements for Great Relationships,” click here.]

[For “Help with Overcoming Codependency,” click here.]

[For “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” click here.]

[For “100 Differences between Men and Women,” click here.]

[For more “Easy Steps to Success with People,” click here.]