Why Do We Fall in Love?!

How do we—why do we—fall in love?

We have all been in love or will be in love someday, whether the object of our affection loves us back or not.

And, ever since we can remember, we’ve been learning about the pains and pleasures of love from every possible source: TV, movies, books, magazines, poems, songs, and now the internet. What have we learned?

From the look of things—heartaches, divorce rates, infidelity, and general mistrust and misunderstanding of the opposite sex—we haven’t learned much about love since the sexual revolution got its start in the 1960s with the help of the pill, the car, the civil rights movement, pop music, and a whole lot of drugs.

Since long before 1956, when Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers first sang “Why Do Fools Fall in Love,” pop stars in particular have been asking this question, in one form or another, but seemingly without holding out any real hope of ever finding an answer. For the most part, we agreed with their conclusions, collectively shrugging our shoulders, throwing up our hands, and resigning ourselves to the whims of love, come what may. For example, Frank Sinatra sang about the irresistible, mysterious forces of love when he covered “That Old Black Magic,” originally written in 1942:

That old black magic has me in its spell
That old black magic that you weave so well
Those icy fingers up and down my spine
That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine

In a spin, loving the spin I’m in,
Under that old black magic called love

There is one thing we all seem to understand really well about love—that it hurts! The famous song “Love Hurts” was first performed by The Everly Brothers in 1960. Since then, it’s since been covered by artists as varied as: Roy Orbison (1961); The Who (1965 - 66, 1989), Nazareth (1975 when the lyrics “love is like a stove/it burns you when it’s hot” was first changed to “love is like a flame/it burns you when it’s hot”); Cher (1975); Joan Jett (1990); Paul Young (1993); Heart (1995); Pat Boone (1997); Sinead O’Conner (2003); Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees (2003); Keith Richards and Nora Jones (2005); Triumph (2005); and Rod Stewart (2006). Apparently, its soulful lyrics and mournful tune touched plenty of raw nerves:

Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough
Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, ooh, ooh, love hurts

I know it isn’t true
I know it isn’t true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts

I grew up on the Nazareth version, and was I scared! “Be afraid. Be very afraid,” was the message of songs like these. Still, there were plenty of songs that calmed our fears about love and even encouraged us to go for it. “What could be so awful about love?” sweet melodies like “Silly Love Songs” (Wings, 1976) seemed to say:

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs
But I look around me and I see it isn’t so
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs
And what’s wrong with that?
I’d like to know ’cause here I go again

I can’t explain—the feeling’s plain to me
Say, can’t you see?
Ah, she gave me more, she gave it all to me
Now can’t you see?
What’s wrong with that?
I need to know ’cause here I go again
I love you, I love you

Some songs made even the madness of love sound like something we’d actually like to experience, if only to be able to say we really lived! I have two examples here. First, from the female perspective, “Burning Up” by Madonna (1983):

Don’t put me off ’cause I’m on fire
And I can’t quench my desire
Don’t you know that I’m burning up for your love
You’re not convinced that that is enough

Do you wanna see me down on my knees?
Or bending over backwards now would you be pleased?
Unlike the others, I’d do anything
I’m not the same, I have no shame
I’m on fire

Now, from the male perspective, “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin (1999):

She’s into superstitions
Black cats and voodoo dolls
I feel a premonition
That girl’s gonna make me fall
She’s into new sensations
New kicks in the candle light
She’s got a new addiction
For every day and night

Woke up in New York City
In a funky cheap hotel
She took my heart
And she took my money
She must’ve slipped me a sleeping pill
She never drinks the water
And makes you order French Champagne
Once you’ve had a taste of her
You’ll never be the same
Yeah, she’ll make you go insane

Then again, some songs admit the craziness of love but still make it sound kind of harmless and cute, as in “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen (1980):

This thing called love
I just can’t handle it
This thing called love
I must get round to it
I ain’t ready
Crazy little thing called love

This thing (this thing) called love (called love)
It cries (like a baby)
In a cradle all night
It swings (woo woo)
It jives (woo woo)
It shakes all over like a jelly fish
I kinda like it
Crazy little thing called love

Or, like in “Don’t Get Me Wrong” by The Pretenders (1986):

Don’t get me wrong
If I’m looking kind of dazzled
I see neon lights
Whenever you walk by

Don’t get me wrong
If I fall in the mode of passion
It might be unbelievable
But let’s not say so long
It might just be fantastic
Don’t get me wrong

Finally, there are songs that both acknowledge the dangerous pull of physical attraction and the need to be careful not to get too battered by the riptide.

“What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner (1984):

You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it’s only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract

I’ve been thinking of a new direction
But I have to say
I’ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

And, “Smooth” by Santana featuring Rob Thomas (1999):

Man it’s a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
I hear you whisper and the words melt everyone
But you stay so cool
My munequita, my Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa
You’re my reason for reason
The step in my groove

And just like the ocean under the moon
Well that’s the same emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth
Gimme your heart, make it real
Or else forget about it

These last two songs sound like the singers are aware of the danger and, thus, are taking some measures to protect themselves. She warns she’s “thinking about her own protection” and he demands, “Gimme your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.” But, we’re not convinced. Instead, the sexy music and sultry vocals seem to be saying, “Yes, I know love is a dangerous game; but, Dealer, I’m going all in!”

CONCLUSION

Music often does soothe the savage beastliness of love. But, thank goodness songwriters and singers don’t have the last word on why or how we fall in love. Doctors have been studying our brains, and psychologists have been studying our behavior, to find the real answers to these age-old mysteries about love. Read about their results in my next article “Why We Really Fall in Love.”

[For “Why We Really Fall in Love,” click here.]

[For “Is She Into Me or Just Nice?,” click here.]

[For “Why Won’t He Call?,” click here.]

[For “The Science of Physical Attraction,” click here.]

[For “How to Ask for a Date,” click here.]

[For “How to Find Your Soul Mate,” click here.]

[For “4 Signs that a Marriage Will End in Divorce,” click here.]

[For “30 Statements for Great Relationships,” click here.]

[For “Help with Overcoming Codependency,” click here.]

[For more “Easy Steps to Success with People,” click here.]