Help with Overcoming Codependency

Codependency—it’s not just for the loved ones of alcoholics or drug addicts anymore. After all, aren’t we all addicted to something?

Anything we do to excess that we either feel we can’t control or that negatively impacts our lives can be considered an addiction. Too much gambling or “adult entertainment” are obvious examples. But, here are some that most people don’t consider addictions—at least not in a bad way: Working. Gaming. Blogging. Sleeping. Eating. Dieting. Exercising.

If the word “addiction” is too strong for you, let’s use the words “really into.” If you have family or friends who are really into something—so much so that it seems to control them rather than they being in control of the activity—then you are probably forced to walk softly around them most of the time. Why? Because people who get “really into” things are difficult to get along with. They are, in a phrase, high-maintenance. They also could be suffering from OCD (”obsessive compulsive disorder”) or some other problem.

You can’t really change them, especially if they don’t want to change. Even highly trained professionals can’t help them unless they sincerely accept their help. And, even then, therapist and patient have to work long and hard together to slowly change any unwanted, harmful behaviors. So, if you’re waiting for your patience, love, and understanding to change high-maintenance people to stop being that way so both your lives can finally get a little easier, you can stop waiting. And, making excuses for them. And, covering up for them. And, being embarrassed for them or about them. Why? Because all of that kind of classic codependent behavior only makes things worse—for you and for them. Because they are adults who really are responsible for their own problems. And, if you have convinced them otherwise, then you have unfortunately become part of the problem.

Read the classic book on codependency by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (1987). It sold over 8 million copies and made “codependent” a household word. In her book, she explains that a person can also be addicted to (or “really into”) a person who is addicted to (or “really into”) a substance or a behavioral process. Her book also helped create and spread the 12-Step Program called CoDA (”Codependents Anonymous”) which is patterned after AA’s (”Alcoholics Anonymous”). Her book is still used at CoDA meetings today. Finally, and most importantly, both her book and CoDA are recommended by mental health professionals as additional self-help methods for coping with all difficult relationships, not just those involving substance abuse.

I read this book. And, like so many other great self help books, it changed my life. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll learn about yourself or your loved ones from reading self help books. And, don’t be afraid of change. Change is always progress even if it doesn’t look that way at first. After I read this book, I was devastated to learn what really had been going on in my life with my loved ones. It was the shock I needed to knock some sense into me about where to go from there. I attended one CoDA meeting and that was enough for me, not because it wasn’t good (It was! A very peaceful early morning meeting—and at the beach, no less!), but because I gathered as much as I needed from it. I replayed everyone’s candid stories from that meeting in my head many times since, whenever I needed encouragement to do whatever I needed to do next to overcome my codependency.

I learned to take care of myself, which eventually enabled me to know the difference between people who really need my help and would actually return the favor when and if they could, and people who are just taking advantage of me. Armed with that important knowledge, I was able to decide when and how I wanted to help others as opposed to feeling I had to help everyone in exactly the way that they wanted—even if it hurt me—or else I was somehow a bad or selfish person.

Having reached that point in my life, where I gave myself permission not to help others if I didn’t really want to, I felt a truly generous spirit that I’d never known before. I discovered I really did want to help people but only in ways that I deeply enjoyed and that I could see made a big difference to the kind of people I wanted to help most—and to as many of them as possible. So I wrote Cuckoo in Your Nest! for a start. Then, I quit my legal career and began this website. Who knows what’s next for me. But, whatever it is, it’ll be from the bottom of my heart and not because I felt guilty, pressured, or at a loss for anything better to do with my time!

I hope you will also take care of your basic needs first. Give only when you really want to and can afford to, then it will be good for everyone. Give out of guilt or fear and there will always be resentment and pain. Be awesome! Be your own hero!

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[For “How to Find Your Soul Mate,” click here.]

[For “The Science of Physical Attraction,” click here.]

[For “30 Statements for Great Relationships,” click here.]

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[For “4 Signs that a Marriage Will End in Divorce,” click here.]

[For “100 Differences between Men and Women,” click here.]

[For “10 Reasons to Keep a Diary,” click here.]

[For “20 Questions for Your Diary,” click here.]

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[For “Requests for Cuckoo in Your Nest!,” click here.]

[For all “High-Maintenance Personalities,” click here.]

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[For “Peers (Allies and Enemies),” click here.]

[For “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” click here.]

[For “How to Be an Extrovert,” click here.]

[For “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright,” click here.]

[For “Change Your Mindset to Change Your Life,” click here.]

[For “What Would You Do If You Couldn’t Fail?,” click here.]

[For “How to Set and Achieve Goals in 5 Simple Steps,” click here.]

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