Funny Resumes and Work Evaluations
If there’s one thing that we will never be able to see from someone else’s point of view—unless we already happen to share it—is what strikes us as terribly funny and what doesn’t.
Studies have shown that a sense of humor is not universal. Don’t get me wrong. All people find some things funny. But, everyone seems to find different things funny. We’ve all shared that joke we thought was bust-your-guts funny, only to find our audience looking confused, or, worse, annoyed. When this happens, we feel embarrassed or disappointed and say things like, “Don’t you get it?” or “I guess you had to be there.” Conversely, when we don’t find other people’s jokes funny, we get dismissive and say, “It’s not that funny” or “I don’t get it.” Humor can create instant, albeit fleeting, bonds with even strangers, as when we watch a funny movie in a crowded theater and laugh with one another.
So, although I call this article “Funny Resumes and Evaluation,” some of you, no doubt, will not find them funny. I, on the other hand, found them hilarious! And, I wanted to share them with you to relieve the stress of the work week ahead. These are from the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune and reportedly were excerpted from real resumes, cover letters, and performance evaluations. Enjoy!
REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS
1. “I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”
2. “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.”
3. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
4. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
5. “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
6. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
7. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
8. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
9. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
10. “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
11. “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
12. “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
13. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
14. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. … Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
15. “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
16. “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
17. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
18. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
19. “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”
20. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
21. “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
22. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
23. “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.”
24. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
25. “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
26. “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
REAL WORK EVALUATIONS
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
4. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
5. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
6. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
7. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far—and the sooner he starts, the better.”
REAL MILITARY APPRAISALS
1. “Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”
2. “A room temperature IQ.”
3. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
4. “A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
5. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
6. “Bright as Alaska in December.”
7. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
8. “He’s so dense, light bends around him.”
9. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
10. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
11. “Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
12. “Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
CONCLUSION
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[For “25 Inspiring Work Quotes,” click here.]
[For “125 Sarcastic Quotes,” click here.]
[For “100 Money Quotes,” click here.]
[For “100 Blessings Quotes,” click here.]
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[For “300 Friendship Quotes,” click here.]
[For “200 Hero Quotes,” click here.]
[For “100 Health Quotes,” click here.]
[For “200 Existence Quotes,” click here.]
[For all posts about different QUOTES, click here.]
[For “100 Best Lawyer Jokes,” click here.]
[For “How to Think Like a Lawyer,” click here.]
[For “Bullet-Proof Interview Suit,” click here.]
[For “Best Suits for Short, Tall, Fat, or Muscular Men,” click here.]
[For “How to Ace Job Interviews,” click here.]
[For “How to Fill Out Job Applications,” click here.]
[For “What Jobs Are There?,” click here.]
[For the “Interviews With” series, click here.]
June 8th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Too funny. I just hope none of those evaluations were of me.
Just kidding. I’ve seen my evaluations.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Hi Mary - Glad you enjoyed it! They always crack me up, too. Thanks for your comment. - Shanel