High-Maintenance Personalities: The Chameleon

Monday, December 31st 2007 by Shanel Yang

In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), he describes the eerie friendship between Monica and Ellen. They met at a training session for employees. All morning, they sat through lectures about work policies and procedures.

When it was time for lunch, they ended up together at a deli. Monica ordered a sardine sandwich. Ellen said, “I love sardines, too.”

Monica was happily surprised. “You’re kidding me,” she said. “I thought I was the only sardine lover on earth!”

They decided to share a sandwich and seemed to hit it off right from the start. In the next few weeks, Monica was struck by their similar tastes. They shared a lot of interests and had many great times together. Then, Monica began to realize that Ellen liked everything that she liked. Ellen began anticipating Monica’s needs and even bought her a new toaster after Monica mentioned in passing one time that hers was broken. When Monica said she was thinking about growing some vegetables, Ellen gave her a subscription to a gardening magazine. Monica couldn’t make a move without Ellen trying to please her.

Finally, Monica confronted Ellen about it. But, Ellen began to cry and said, “I thought we were friends. Why are you talking this way? Don’t you like me?”

Monica felt terrible. “Of course I like you,” she tried to console Ellen. “But, you were driving me nuts.”

Ellen is a personality type that Dr. Parrott calls “The Chameleon.” Chameleons lose their identity because they try to become whatever they think you want them to be. They create a false sense of compatibility. Compatibility feels wonderful because it makes us feel comfortable, safe, and understood. But, too much compatibility is stifling and quickly goes from fun and exciting to boring and annoying.

CHAMELEON TRAITS

Chameleons are the most deceptive of all the high-maintenance personalities because they seem to be low-maintenance at first. They are very easy to get along with because they are so agreeable. But, Dr. Parrott writes that under that façade is a “complex web of distorted perceptions and insatiable longings.” Chameleons really need a lot of attention.

The most common traits of Chameleons are: overly agreeable; unreliable; overly dependent; avoids conflicts; prone to guilt; narrowly focused; and phony.

Overly Agreeable

Unreliable – They make unrealistic promises because they want to please.

Overly Dependent – They really don’t know what they want anymore, so they rely on you to tell them. If you won’t, they try to guess what you want.

Avoids Conflicts – Chameleons can’t stand arguments or confrontations.

Insecure – Their feelings get hurt easily at every imagined slight.

Prone to Guilt – They blame themselves for everything that goes wrong.

Narrowly Focused – They get obsessed with insignificant details.

Phony – Chameleons always worry what everyone else thinks, so they look and act differently from how they really are.

WHY CHAMELEONS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Chameleons live to please others. They always smile no matter the situation. They hate the idea of hurting someone’s feelings as much as they hate feeling rejected. Welcoming and accommodating in every way, Chameleons are experts at making new friends.

According to Dr. Parrott, when Chameleons were children, they did not want to be a cheerleader or president of their class. Instead, they focused all their energies on trying to make their parents happy. As adults, they don’t feel good about themselves unless they can make everyone around them feel good. Unfortunately, this leads to unsatisfying superficial relationships that have no real substance, but are actually false and hollow.

DEALING WITH CHAMELEONS

The good news is that Chameleons are the easiest to help change their ways so that you can both enjoy a more honest and fulfilling relationship.

See Your Own Chameleon Ways

Haven’t you have ever buried your own wishes, smiled, and done what the other person wanted just to make the other person like you more? If you remember what it was like to worry about other people’s approval, then you might begin to understand Chameleons. Imagine how terrifying life would be if with every interaction with people, you felt you were in a job interview! Chameleons suffer this every day all day long.

Find Out What They Really Like

Take a personal interest in you Chameleon. Ask about their family or where they are going for vacation. Ask how they are doing and really listen. Like the rest of us, they become more genuine when they feel listened to, accepted, and understood.

Give Little Reassurances

Chameleons always defer to others because they think others won’t like their choices and will like them less for it. They need little reassurances that their opinions are safe with you. Encourage them to share them, and thank them for it when they do. Tell them you appreciate their honest opinions; but, only if you can do this sincerely, because Chameleons can detect masked disapproval or disappointment.

Clarify Their Promises

It can be frustrating when Chameleons make promises—even something as small as arriving for lunch on time—then repeatedly break them. This problem can be largely fixed by clarifying their promises ahead of time, especially if you foresee obvious difficulties that would likely prevent them from keeping their promises. For example, you could say, “Don’t you think it will take you longer to get there from your place because of the traffic and you having to stop by your office first?” If you bring this up, they are likely to agree with you and appreciate the chance to change their promise to a more realistic one they can keep. Then, both of you can be happy.

Ask for Honesty

Chameleons need a lot of gentle prodding and encouragement before they will give you their honest opinions on anything. For example, Dr. Parrott suggests that instead of asking them what they didn’t like about something you did, phrase the question like this: “I’m really glad you liked it; but, there must be something that I could improve. Which parts do you think could be improved? I really value your honest opinion.”

After asking for it, whatever you do, don’t show disapproval or disappointment if you do get an honest opinion that you don’t like. Sincerely thank them for it, even if you disagree. They will learn that friendships can survive disagreements. The more often you invite their honesty, the more genuine they will become around you.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Control Freak; Flirt; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; and Workhorse.