High-Maintenance Personalities: The Workhorse
In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), “The Workhorse” is the personality type that must always be working or thinking about working. Secretly, or not so secretly, they resent everyone around them who does not do the same.
Even though modern conveniences were supposed to give Americans more leisure time, the opposite happened. In 1973, the average adult worked 40 hours per week and had 26 hours of leisure each week. Fast forward to 2006 and the average adult worked 47 hours a week and had only 16 hours of leisure per week. Professionals typically work twice as many hours per week. But, no one outworks The Workhorse.
Workhorses live to work. By comparison, we are made to feel not good enough. Now that over 26 million men and women work from home, work has completed overtaken leisure for some people. Some lucky folks actually love what they do, so their work is a true labor of love, as fulfilling and rewarding as a favorite pastime. However, Workhorses don’t love their work. They do it because they are driven by negative forces. If you work or live with Workhorses, their obsession is not only annoying, it can be exhausting. But, before you quit your job or move out of your home, try some of the tips in this article for coping with Workhorses.
WORKHORSE TRAITS
Workhorses share the following traits: tireless; driven; smug; never satisfied; impatient; perfectionist; restless; and intimidating.
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Tireless – Workhorses are always working or stressing about it.
Driven – They push themselves hard and expect others to mimic them.
Smug – The more they achieve, the more superior they feel.
Never Satisfied – No goal, once achieved, is good enough for Workhorses.
Impatient – Workhorses go crazy if they have to wait for anything.
Perfectionist – To Workhorses, if it isn’t perfect, it’s worthless.
Restless – Workhorses are rarely in the moment unless they are working.
Intimidating – They bully everyone with their self-importance.
WHY WORKHORSES ACT THE WAY THEY DO
Workhorses act the way they do because they feel unworthy if they don’t. Many of them were raised by hypercritical and unreasonably demanding parents. Parental love, acceptance, and approval were all made contingent on the young child’s continued exceptional and excellent performance. Thus, Workhorses grew up feeling that their self-worth was something they had to earn and keep only through constant hard work toward ultimate perfection. As a result, they feel anxiety whenever they are not working.
This is why they can never rest and enjoy their accomplishments. Like an addictive drug, any euphoria or relief experienced as a result of even the highest achievements, such as graduation with top honors from the most prestigious schools, breaking world records in sports, or even becoming part of the elite rich and famous set, quickly wears off, and, soon, The Workhorse is busy looking for another way to feed the addiction. Anyone who wants to live with Workhorses must take backseats to their careers because all they really want is approval and recognition from their work—and they crave it!
They say they are doing it all for you and the kids. Or, they are dedicated to clients, community, or something else. But, if you and the kids would prefer them to spend more time at home, or, if no one expects them to work 24/7 for clients or community, then these reasons are clearly rationalizations.
In the end, Workhorses may find that they missed out on life while they focused exclusively on their careers. Dr. Parrott tells of a well-respected medical researcher and expert who once lectured to a group of hospital interns on the causes of schizophrenia. When he was done with his lecture, he said, “I was asked to speak to you on my most recent findings; and, I have done that. Now, let me tell you young doctors what I wish someone told me when I sat where you are. You can save yourself unnecessary frustration in the course of your careers if you ask yourself why you are doing what you’re doing. For more than 30 years, I have struggled and strained to make an impact in my field; and, some would say I have. But, only recently have I learned that I cannot measure my self-worth by the number of articles I publish, or by the number of people who applaud my findings.” Then he gathered up his notes and sat down.
DEALING WITH WORKHORSES
Workhorses not only increase the chance of developing their own stress-related health problems by constantly pushing themselves to their limits, they also wear on our health. Here are some things you can try to lower your own stress if you must deal with them.
See Your Own Workhorse Ways
If you have a tendency to drive yourself and others hard and to work impatiently, at least once in a while, then you might have a little more patience for Workhorses.
Set Your Own Boundaries and Protect Them
Workhorses often set unrealistic deadlines for themselves. So, when they fall behind and begin to worry, they push themselves even harder to work even faster and even longer. If you work for, or with, a Workhorse, that usually means you are also pressured to do the same. Don’t do it. Work smarter, not harder. When your Workhorse pushes you to keep going full speed ahead when you know you’re physically exhausted and, in any event, no longer able to produce any good work product—unless the deadline is today or tomorrow—you need to stop, get some rest, and refuel before you burn out.
Progress, Not Perfection
Don’t let the Workhorses in your life make you feel like you also have to try to be perfect. No one is perfect, so trying to be perfect is an impossible goal. If you want to improve your life, strive for progress instead. Every little step in the right direction counts. Even two steps forward, one step back is a net movement in the right direction that deserves recognition and celebration. Even when you fall temporarily behind in your goals, be kind to yourself. Everyone experiences countless setbacks before they eventually succeed, as long as they never give up.
Have Fun Anyway
Just because you work or live with a Workhorse who can’t enjoy themselves at a party, at the movies, or at the beach doesn’t mean you can’t have a great time. Keep your sense of humor, pleasure, and fun as much as possible. Make friends with other fun people and develop your own hobbies and interests. In the U.S.A., our founding fathers declared that god has given us the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!
Use Reflective Listening
When Workhorses complain about some specific work issue, they are often expressing a deeper concern that lies beyond their words. For example, if they say something like, “No one does what their supposed to at work. It just makes my job that much harder!” They don’t really want you to make suggestions on how to make their coworkers do more work. If you hold your advice and instead offer a statement that shows you are listening to how they must be feeling, they might open up to you and relax a bit. For example, you could respond to the above complaint with, “It sounds like you’re disappointed with your coworkers.” Whatever they say in response is going to be more contemplative than the original knee-jerk complaints. The more you do this type of reflective listening, the calmer they will feel around you. From examining their own feelings, they may even start to ask themselves why they feel compelled to constantly push themselves.
CONCLUSION
This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Control Freak; Flirt; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; and Chameleon.
If you would like a copy of Dr. Parrott’s book: click here
