High-Maintenance Personalities: The Cold Shoulder

Thursday, December 27th 2007 by Shanel Yang

In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), there are two different “Cold Shoulder” personality types. One type goes from being warm and friendly to suddenly cold and distant without explanation or warning. The other type has always been cold and distant except to a tiny group of their closest friends.

Cold Shoulders always make us feel as if we are not wanted. No matter how hard we try to break through their icy exterior, they seem determined to keep us at arm’s length. They ignore our friendly overtures and never reciprocate with any kindness of their own. To them, we will always be not good enough to let into their inner circle.

COLD SHOULDER TRAITS

Most Cold Shoulders share the following traits: impersonal; indifferent; exclusive; enigmatic; silent; unresponsive; and abandoning.

Impersonal

Indifferent – They don’t seem to care what you say or do.

Exclusive – They have their few friends, and no one new is welcome.

Enigmatic – They rarely show what they are really think or feel.

Emotionless – Steady Cold Shoulders wear a constant poker face.

Silent – They don’t offer information and respond only to direct questions.

Unresponsive – Sometimes, even when you ask directly for information you need, they still won’t give it to you.

Abandoning – When they decide they no longer want you in their life, they completely cut you out of it.

WHY COLD SHOULDERS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

According to Dr. Parrott, Cold Shoulders act the way they do because they are suffering from a deep self-pity and even shame. Most likely, when they reject you, they are reacting to something that has frightened them. They may not know why you frighten them—perhaps the possibility of becoming vulnerable to you only to have you reject them after you get to know the “real” them—but, they need to protect themselves.

They present a calm, self-satisfied exterior to the world. But, in truth, they are often nursing old wounds from past painful relationships that never seem to heal. Even if they wanted to try to be more open, many of them have never learned how to do it. But, after years of walking around with an invisible force field that won’t let any real feelings in or out, they have gotten used to it. In fact, some of them have learned to use it to their advantage to manipulate or intimidate others. These Cold Shoulders enjoy your futile attempts to get closer and feel superior as a result of it. They may even get you to do things for them if you they toss you a bit of hope once in a while.

DEALING WITH COLD SHOULDERS

No one likes to feel ignored or be left out. Unfortunately, you can’t change the way Cold Shoulders treat you. But, if you can’t get away from them, here are a few things you can try to make your time around them more comfortable.

See Your Own Cold Shoulder Ways

If you ever ignored a friend’s telephone call, pretended you didn’t see someone you know on the street, or wanted to run and hide from everyone to protect yourself from an embarrassing event, then you might begin to understand a Cold Shoulder.

Try Asking If Anything Is the Matter

If a close friend suddenly starts acting cold towards you, and you have no idea why, try asking them. Let them know you are confused and hurt by what the changes you think are happening and ask if you did anything to hurt their feelings. Be sincere. If they do tell you the trust, don’t get defensive. Thank them for sharing the information with you. If you are truly sorry, apologize on the spot.

If you are still confused and not sure if you believe you did anything wrong, tell them you are going to think about what they said very carefully and get back to them. But, add that you are sorry anything you did hurt them because that was never your intention. If you mean it, tell them you really appreciate their friendship, so you appreciate their honesty. Then, get back to them quickly, within a day or two, with your final thoughts. Apologize if you think you were thoughtless, neglectful, or careless. Apologize profusely if you broke a promise or did something realize was a serious breach of the friendship. Then, ask for forgiveness while promising you will never do it again.

Accept the Fluctuations in Relationships

Not all close relationships can remain close forever. If dear friends decide to suddenly cut you off—or slowly phase you out of their lives—and refuse to tell you why, accept it and move on. Closure in the form a clear, complete explanation for their change of heart would be nice and the fair thing to do. But, the world is not always fair. After you’ve asked them if anything is the matter a few times with no satisfying response, it’s best not to dwell on what went wrong. Just turn the page and start reading the next chapter. You can always go back and reread that chapter if both of you are interested in the future.

Don’t Take It Personally

If you think someone has singled you out for the cold shoulder treatment ask around and find out how other people feel they are treated by that same person. You might find that it’s nothing personal against you, and that most people feel mistreated by him or her.

Ask a Mutual Friend If Anything Is the Matter

Dr. Parrott tells the story of a friend who suddenly began acting differently toward him but without telling him why. So, Dr. Parrott asked a mutual friend if he noticed anything different about their friend lately. His friend said, “Of course! Didn’t you know Mike’s mom and dad are getting a divorce?” He had no idea. Mike never told him because they were not close friends. So, it’s best not to assume it’s personal because it almost never is. And, even if it is, if the person won’t tell you, then you don’t need to worry about it.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Control Freak; Flirt; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Workhorse; and Chameleon.