High-Maintenance Personalities: The Martyr

Friday, December 14th 2007 by Shanel Yang

In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), The “Martyr” is the second most difficult personality type to deal with, right after “The Backstabber.” Martyrs overburden themselves and don’t let anyone help them. Then, they wallow in self-pity and complain about their sad lot in life.

Martyrs always play the part of victim. You can hear them sighing all day long as they go about their work. They create their own prisons and throw away the keys. If you try to suggest ways to improve their lives, they always have a ready excuse why it won’t work. “Never mind,” they say. They’ll get along somehow. They always have. They remind you of Charlie Brown—pathetic, helpless, and hopeless.

MARTYR TRAITS

Important Note: There is an important but subtle difference between self-pity and depression. Depression is more serious and dangerous than mere self-pity. Someone who is suffering from clinical depression is likely to be much more tearful, irritable, or emotional than usual. If they are suddenly preoccupied with their own worthlessness and life’s hopelessness, urge them to get professional help.

Martyrs share the following traits: defeated; passive; self-blaming; helpless; irrational; moody; and expecting the worst.

Defeated

Passive – Their motto is: “I can’t!” So, they never try.

Self-Blaming – They even blame themselves for everyone’s misery.

Helpless – Martyrs have act as if they have no control over their lives.

Irrational – Against all reason or facts, they persist in their unhappiness.

Moody – To Martyrs, everything they see reinforces their gloom and doom.

Expecting the Worst – They always imagine the worst-case scenarios.

WHY MARTYRS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Martyrs don’t like to accept help from others because they fear appearing dependent. The only thing they fear more is actually becoming dependent on someone just before that someone unexpectedly and thoroughly lets them down.

Many Martyrs were neglected as children. They learned from an early age that their needs were not important, and, in any event, would not be met by others, so some of them grew up to feel undeserving of any attention as adults. When you give gifts to Martyrs and they say, “You shouldn’t have. I don’t deserve this,” they really mean it.

Some Martyrs feel weak, as if they are losing control of their lives, if they let others help them. They equate accepting help to admitting they are not strong enough to get through life by themselves—which is not a bad thing! But, they think it is.

Martyrs also fear that if they let anyone help them, they will have a big debt to repay for the rest of their lives. While some manipulative people do have serious strings attached to their offers to help, not everyone is like the Godfather, Don Corleone. Unfortunately, Martyrs can’t tell the difference between the Vito Corleones in the world and caring people who genuinely want to help them with no strings attached.

Martyrs differ from Control Freaks because they don’t ask for help and won’t accept it if offered. They only want to control their own lives, not other people’s the way Control Freaks do. But, their determination to do absolutely everything by themselves—and sometimes help everyone else around them—often results in desperate, lonely lives.

DEALING WITH MARTYRS

There are several ways you can try to deal with Martyrs.

See Your Own Gossipy Ways

We all feel self-pity sometimes. Maybe we also sometimes enjoy the lonely act of refusing someone else’s kindness. If you have ever isolated yourself to let yourself feel as bad as you want to feel, you might feel a little empathy for Martyrs, too.

Don’t Expect Much Change

Martyrs’ beliefs about themselves and the world are usually the result of a lifetime of distorted thought patterns and emotions, so don’t expect a lot of change any time soon. They most likely need years of excellent, patient psychotherapy to unravel their distortions. If you are in a close relationship with a Martyr, you will be happier if you adjust your expectations of your partner to a realistic level.

Save Your Advice for Others

If you try giving advice to Martyrs about how to improve their lives, you are bound to be frustrated. They always have excuses why they can’t take your advice. Or, they will quietly listen to you, nodding their heads, looking contemplative. They might even say they will try it, but they never get around to it. Something always gets in the way.

Don’t Feel Guilty

Some Martyrs, by exhibiting their unhappiness often around you, or by discussing their many problems with you, can make you feel guilty just for not being as miserable as they are. Don’t feel bad if you offered help, and they refused. That’s all you can do.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Control Freak; Flirt; Gossip; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; Workhorse; and Chameleon.