High-Maintenance Personalities: The Gossip

Wednesday, December 12th 2007 by Shanel Yang

In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), “Gossips” are the personality types who, not only love learning about gossip, they love spreading it. They can’t keep a secret.

They never care if a rumor is true, fair, or useful. They only care about spreading it around, even if it’s likely to hurt their own family and friends.

According to Dr. Parrott, the national technology conglomerate United Technologies paid for the following public service message about gossip in newspapers across the U.S.:

“The Snake that poisons everybody. It topples governments, wrecks marriages, ruins careers, busts reputations, causes heartaches, nightmares, indigestion, spawns suspicion, generates grief, dispatches innocent people to cry in their pillows. Even its name hisses. It’s called gossip. Shop gossip. Party gossip. It makes headlines and headaches. Before you repeat a story, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it fair? Is it necessary? If not, shut up.”

GOSSIP TRAITS

Gossips are male or female and share the following traits: talkative; pseudo-secretive; negative; nosy; deceitful; takes pleasure in others’ misery; superficial; and self-righteous.

Talkative – Gossips like to talk incessantly about other people.

Pseudo-Secretive – They start most conversations with “You have to promise not to tell anyone because I promised [so-and-so] to keep this a secret.” They act like they normally can keep secrets; but, in this one case, they are doing you the favor of sharing the latest information with you because they like you and trust you.

Negative – Their motto is: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, tell me!”

Nosy – They try to discover secrets that aren’t ready to be told.

Deceitful – If they have nothing new to expose, they often make stuff up.

Takes Pleasure in Others’ Misery – They enjoy making fun of others’ tragedies.

Superficial – They don’t verify rumors before passing them along as facts.

Self-Righteous – They hate it if they hear any gossip about themselves.

WHY GOSSIPS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Gossips love being “in the know” or “in the loop.” They somehow feel that secrets are valuable goods to be collected and distributed as they see fit. If they are one of the first people to learn a secret, they feel more important and somehow better off than everyone else who doesn’t know it yet. They enjoy this smug or secure feeling for a short time. Then, when those good feelings fade, Gossips suddenly feel a strong urge to see how others will react to the same news. Or, they might actually feel guilty if they keep any big secrets from family or friends for too long. Gossips not only want to share the secret, they also want to share the fact that they knew the secret before anyone else did.

Another reason Gossips gossip so much is they enjoy the false sense of intimacy and acceptance created by sharing confidential information. It’s as if they are saying, “I like you and I trust you,” whenever they share a secret.

Gossips feel better about themselves when they learn about others’ tragedies. If they have marital problems, they want to know the details about everyone else’s marital problems—the worse, the better. Then, they can feel good about their own problems by telling themselves, “Well, at least my problems aren’t that bad!”

DEALING WITH GOSSIPS

You don’t have to put up with Gossips. Try these strategies for dealing with them.

See Your Own Gossipy Ways

Aren’t you ever curious about why someone suddenly quit at the office? Or, why a 20-year marriage ended up in divorce? Or, whether your neighbor’s sudden, huge weight loss was the result of some new miracle diet or surgery? If you admit you have wanted to learn about the private lives or secrets of your own family members or friends, then you might be a little more sympathetic to Gossips.

“Just the Facts, Ma’am”

If you hear Gossips spreading wild rumors, don’t remain silent. Walk up to the Gossips, even if they are talking to someone else, and say something like, “Hi, Guys. I heard what you just said about Mark. Are you sure about that? Where did you get that information?” When you ask for facts, you are indirectly and gently pointing out that it’s just a rumor. If you know Mark, you might add, “That doesn’t sound like him based on what I know. He seems like a [nice/honest/hardworking/ fair] person.” That usually stops, or at least slows down, rumors. In any event, they’ll stop gossiping around you.

Don’t Accuse Gossips of Gossiping

If you directly accuse Gossips of gossiping, they will get defensive and argue with you. Then, they will turn around and spread rumors about you.

See the Good in Gossip

Some experts say gossiping is useful for people in a society to learn the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Morals change over time and vary depending on the location and situation. When we share stories about other people, we are also gathering information from them about what they think is good, bad, funny, gross, silly, praiseworthy, or unforgivable. Then, we adjust our own behavior and thoughts based on what we learned from their reactions.

Be Selective when Sharing Secrets

If you have great friends who are Gossips, just don’t share your secrets with them. But, continue to enjoy them for all the wonderful traits they do have.

Defend Yourself Immediately from Harmful Rumors About You

If you hear about a harmful rumor about you, defend yourself immediately. It’s a mistake to think you don’t need to respond to outrageous or ridiculous lies about you. A lie repeated a thousand times becomes the truth in the eyes of the public.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Control Freak; Flirt; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; Workhorse; and Chameleon.