High-Maintenance Personalities: The Flirt

In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), “The Flirt” is a personality type, male or female, that walks the line between sexual flattery and sexual harassment.

Flirts give mixed romantic messages, are overly friendly with members of the opposite sex, even in front of—sometimes, especially in front of—the target’s significant others, and always go a little too far for comfort.

Many male Flirts do it for power, while many female Flirts do it for fun. Either way, their behavior is confusing, disturbing, and sometimes outright harmful to their targets, targets’ significant others, or the work environment.

FLIRT TRAITS

Flirts can be irresistible and charming. But, there are Flirts who verge on sexual harassment or even cross over that line. Whichever end of the spectrum they happen to be on, Dr. Parrott says Flirts share the following traits: tricky; vain; attention hungry; lonely; seductive; and power hungry.

Tricky – Flirts have a bag full of tricks to seduce their targets.

Vain – They are often preoccupied with their looks and their image.

Attention Hungry – Their dress, actions, and words all attract attention.

Lonely – Female Flirts feel lonely unless some man is interested in them. But, male Flirts also seek attention to overcome loneliness.

Seductive – They are experts at making you feel special and needed.

Power Hungry – They feel powerful when they dominate relationships, even if only briefly with “harmless” sexual teasing and tantalizing.

WHY FLIRTS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Often Flirts are not even looking for a relationship or even a fling because many Flirts are trying to deal with deep-seated insecurities with their flirting behavior. Dr. Parrott treated a married male patient who flirted with other women despite his wife’s strong disapproval because he feared he was homosexual. Other Flirts might be going through mid-life crises. Or, they may have never felt accepted or appreciated by their parents. The problems are too numerous to name.

In most cases, Flirts are not trying to offend you when they flirt with you. Many Flirts do not realize their behavior is unwanted or otherwise inappropriate. A Kansas State University study showed a basic difference in how men and women view flirty versus friendly behavior. A group of men and women were shown a videotape of a male manager training a female employee. The men who saw the video thought the female employee was flirting with the male manager and trying to initiate a romantic relationship. However, the women who saw the same video thought the female employee was merely being friendly and only wanted to initiate a friendship.

DEALING WITH FLIRTS

The following advice for dealing with Flirts includes tips for Flirts at the office as well as Flirts who target your significant others.

See Your Own Flirty Ways

At some point in your life, you must have wanted attention from the opposite sex. Remember how good it felt when you got it? It felt good, didn’t it? Keeping that in mind may help you empathize at least a little bit with Flirts.

Don’t Take Flirting Lightly

If you think flirting is nothing but a little harmless fun, you should know that engaging in it triggers changes in your body that are typical of pleasurable sexual activities. That can only lead to trouble, unless you actually plan to be in a sexual relationship with your flirting partner.

Don’t Blame Yourself

If you are the target of unwanted attention from a persistent Flirt, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. If you are not sure whether your actions are perceived as flirtatious, ask a trusted friend or colleague their opinion. Otherwise, don’t change the way you dress, walk, talk, or anything else you do to try to cool off a Flirt. There is still such a thing as just being friendly, and you have every right to continue being just that.

Don’t Get Left Alone with Flirts

Flirts are opportunistic and tricky. They will take the first chance they have alone with you to make their move. Don’t give them the chance. Avoid them, and never go anywhere alone with them. If a Flirt is after your mate, don’t leave them alone together, either.

Don’t Ignore Sexual Harassment

Unwanted sexual attention in the workplace is illegal for a reason. It interferes with your basic right to make a living without being hassled by Flirts. If you don’t want the attention, the worst thing you could do is ignore it. Don’t run away. Face the Flirt and say as calmly as possible, “Hold on a second. Let’s talk about what just happened as professionals.” That should make them stop in their tracks for a moment. Then you can ask, “What’s going on?” Let them speak. Listen to what they say. They might have sincerely thought you were interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with them. If that’s what they say, you can gently but firmly let them know there was a misunderstanding and you see your relationship as purely professional and platonic.

If the Flirt ignores your request to stop harassing you despite your attempt to resolve it quietly between yourselves, you need to decide whether you want to make a formal complaint to your human resources department or begin looking for another job. If you do decide to report it, the accusation of sexual harassment is so serious that your employer will probably launch an immediate investigation and interview everyone in your department, including, of course, the accused harasser. This is often a stressful process for everyone involved. But, you are protected by law from any retaliation by the accused harasser or anyone else at your work.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Control Freak; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; Workhorse; and Chameleon.

If you would like a copy of Dr. Parrott’s book: click here.

[For more High-Maintenance Personalities, click here.]

[For more “Easy Steps to Success with People,” click here.]