High-Maintenance Personalities: The Control Freak
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In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), he describes “Control Freaks” as the high-maintenance personality types who have to be in charge of everything around them, all the time.
At work, Control Freaks micromanage everyone they work with, jealously guard useful information, and don’t want others to offer them any of their own ideas or opinions.
Control Freaks try to keep track of everyone’s actions around them because they want to make sure that everyone follows their rules.
CONTROL FREAK TRAITS
Control Freaks have the following traits in common: obnoxious; tenacious; invasive; obsessive; perfectionist; critical; irritable; demanding; and rigid.
Obnoxious – Control Freaks are offensive and meddling.
Tenacious – They like to do things their own way, no matter what.
Invasive – They don’t respect people’s privacy and snoop and pry.
Obsessive – They got obsessive ideas or suspicions and won’t let go.
Perfectionist – They demand perfection from themselves and others.
Critical – They try to control other people by criticizing them.
Irritable – They get moody or cranky even if little things go wrong.
Demanding – When they don’t get what they ask for, they demand it.
Rigid – You can do things around them only if you do it their way.
WHY CONTROL FREAKS ACT THE WAY THEY DO
Control Freaks are terrified of losing control. They would hate it if they looked foolish, ignorant, or unprepared; so, they try to master plan everything down to the last detail to avoid potential embarrassment. Or, they dread the possibility of disappointment so much that they prefer the devil they know to the devil they don’t know. For example, even if they don’t love a particular restaurant, they still prefer going back to it instead of trying a new restaurant because at least the food at the old restaurant was acceptable.
Although feeling in control of your life is good for your self-esteem, Control Freaks take it too far. They are too strict with themselves and other people—so much so that they can never relax or ever have a really good time. They ruin their own health with unnecessary stress that increases their risk of heart disease—among other serious illnesses—including anxiety and depression. Ironically, Control Freaks can suddenly lose complete control of themselves and their tempers over the smallest incidents and end up causing horribly embarrassing scenes. Then, their worst fears are realized. So, they tighten their control even more. Sadly, most of their friends don’t stay friends for long.
DEALING WITH CONTROL FREAKS
It is possible to live or work with most Control Freaks if you know how.
See Your Own Control Freak Ways
You can feel a little empathy for Control Freaks if you admit you sometimes get irritable when things don’t go your way, sometime demand perfection, and sometimes want to control others’ behavior. Even though you may not do all of these things all the time, like Control Freaks do, they are just more extreme with these behaviors than we are.
Don’t Take It Personally
With Control Freaks, it really is about them and not about you. They are trying to control their fears of the unknown. They are not trying to make you feel bad. If they are in a bad mood, it’s not your fault. Don’t accuse them of being controlling because they will only become more fearful and controlling. Instead, try explaining how their behavior makes you feel. Be specific, direct, and use “I” or “we” statements instead of “you” statements. For example: “We always end up at restaurants you choose. That makes me feel unimportant and ignored. Could we take turns picking restaurants in the future?”
Go with the Control Flow
If you have a new Control Freak in your life that you can’t ignore, such as a new boss who micromanages you, they may ease off if you have the patience to give them all the evidence they need to know that you are doing exactly what they want. By minimizing their fears about your performance, they are likely to focus on other worries instead.
Pinpoint the Real Need
Sometimes Control Freaks are irritable and snap at you because they are actually preoccupied with other worries. If you know what those might be, you can offer some comforting words about what’s really bothering them, which may defuse the situation. For example, if they seem especially short with you, and you know they might be worried about whether they passed their final exams, you might try saying something like, “You seem a little preoccupied. If you’re worried about your finals, I’m sure you did fine.”
Present Your Ideas in Writing
The best way to get Control Freaks to consider your ideas is to put them in writing. Make all your points, but make them clear, brief, and rational, supported with lots of factual data. Control Freaks don’t like to be wrong and if there is overwhelming evidence to support your ideas, they might agree with you. Then, give them time to consider all the new information before you ask them what they think.
Negotiate Your Roles
Negotiate with your Control Freaks to let them be in charge of certain areas of your shared home or work life in exchange for them letting you be in charge of other specific areas. For example, if one of you prefers to cook while the other prefers to drive, carve out those areas as each of your separate domains of doing it exactly the way you each want without too much interference from the other person. The trick is to remind them of your mutual agreement as often as necessary.
When All Else Fails, Move On
If you’ve tried all of the above and other strategies for handling Control Freaks, and nothing has worked, it might be time to move on with your life without them. Or, distance yourself as much as you can to protect your own health and happiness.
CONCLUSION
This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Critic; Flirt; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; Workhorse; and Chameleon.
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May 6th, 2008 at 11:32 am
This is the best information that I have ever read, about personalities. I have a few customers that I have to first size up to adjust myself before I do business with them.
I have found that once I do that, I know who I am dealing with. I can control the process. I had a client that was a control freak. Once I told her that I was not going to do her job, she got herslf in order and I have completed the project for her. She asked me to do some work at her house, but after reading this article, I will pass
on this one. She is divorced, so I won’t put myself in that position. Thank you so much for this information.
Sincerely
Leon
May 6th, 2008 at 11:46 am
You’re very welcome, Leon! I’m glad to hear the information was helpful to you.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Great article Shanel, thank you :)! This sums up my boss perfectly, and now I understand why my habits of documenting everything and keeping timesheets eventually got her off my back - it’s stuff I’d do anyway but it’s a pleasant surprise to see *why* it worked.
I’ve found two things help greatly with dealing with my control freak boss (other than the above) - one is to just not let things bother me (”water off a duck’s back”… I’m the duck!), and the other is to set boundaries early and often - like making it very clear, in writing if needs be, that when you have your headphones on you’re not to be disturbed.
Thanks again for this very helpful insight!
July 25th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Hi Anna! Thanks for your comment and feedback! I love your story about your boss! It shows that there are productive ways to deal with Control Freaks (and actually help them calm down a bit to make our own lives easier) with a few simple, consistent actions. It seems you came to the correct solutions intuitively. Good for you!! Your story will help others know how to do it, too. Thanks for sharing it!! : )
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I am a control freak and it is destroying my marriage. What can control freaks do if anything to save themselves and their family.
August 2nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Hi Tony! Thank you for having the courage to admit this to yourself and to us. That is a huge and very important first step! Beyond, that, I do want to give you some advice since you’ve been brave enough to ask for it in front of everyone here.
But, before I do, I must disclose that I am not licensed to act as a therapist, psychologist, or anything like that. My professional background is 10 years as a lawyer. (But, you can take my word for it that I came across plenty of Control Freaks in that line of work!) Rather, my advice on this blog, and what I’m about to offer you now, is based on my own history as a borderline Control Freak, a long time ago. I can only share what worked for me. If you need more help, please try to find a good marriage counselor, or an individual therapist, or both. But, if you can’t find anyone you trust, then it’s better to go without professional counseling. There, that’s my first piece and most important piece of advice on this subject.
Now for the rest:
1. Apologize sincerely to your wife (and kids if you have kids) for all the pain that you have caused her as a result of your controlling behavior. Assure her you are aware of the seriousness of your problem and that you are committed to doing whatever it takes to change for her happiness and ultimately for yours.
2. Tell her you love her very much and that you are terribly afraid of losing her.
3. Ask her if she still loves you and if she still wants to stay married to you if you really could change your overly controlling behavior. If she can’t say “yes,” you need to work on those issues first. Because, as hard as it is to accept, if someone doesn’t love us, or doesn’t love us anymore, we can’t make them love us.
4. Assuming she still loves you and wants to stay married to you if only you can stop your overly controlling behavior, ask for a detente period. I don’t know how dire the situation is (if she has threatened to walk out at any moment or if you merely sense that she is slowly withdrawing), but ask for up to a month if you think she will grant it without too much consideration. If you can afford marriage counseling and she is willing, find a good therapist and really put your heart into it. If not, you can still buy/borrow books on the subject and educate yourselves.
5. During the detente, you must stop “bossing” your wife around as much as possible. If you feel like you can’t stand watching her doing something a certain way, instead of telling her how to do it better or taking over the task yourself, stop and ask yourself why it bothers you so much. What is the worst thing that could happen if you let her do it exactly the way she is doing it forever? Is it worth losing the marriage to nag her about it or to try to make her change this one little behavior? Then, apply that type of reasoning to all of the little things — and eventually the big things — that annoy you. Tell her about your inner struggles with it: “Honey, I’m sorry I’m making a face right now. I’m experiencing discomfort watching you do that that way. But, I know there’s nothing wrong with doing things differently than how I would do it. I’m just getting used to that feeling. It’s very new for me. It’s reminding me of the time when I was a little kind and …”
6. Keep studying the subject of controlling personalities. Keep a journal for your most important insights and lessons learned along the way. Maybe you had overly controlling parents. Or, perhaps there was alcoholism or some other addiction in the family when you were growing up. Something that made you feel the need to create order out of disorder. Now, you are an adult and your micromanaging is doing more harm than good. It’s time to let go of your false sense of control over your life and your future by focusing too much on too many unimportant things.
7. Ask your wife what one thing you can work on changing per week. It does no good to try to change everything at once. That would be just setting yourself up to fail. If you both can agree on just one behavior for one full week, that’s a great start! If you give it your all, she’ll notice you trying even if you backslide once in a while. A week might be too short for some behaviors. Adjust your agreements as necessary. Give her back some power in the marriage. The goal is to finally let her become the full 50/50 partner that she deserves to be in the marriage.
8. Read my summary of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
9. Go for long walks/hikes by yourself whenever possible and reflect on how and why you became so controlling, what purpose it served then but no longer serves now. The physical exercise will help relieve any stress/anxiety/depression, too.
10. Observe how others seem to be happy to just live and let live! Good luck! : )