High-Maintenance Personalities: The Critic

Thursday, December 6th 2007 by Shanel Yang

In Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships (1996), “The Critic” is a personality type that constantly complains and gives unwanted advice. Most people said their number one high-maintenance relationship was with Critics.

Remember the Peanuts character Lucy? She couldn’t stand to see anyone happy or worry-free. When Snoopy did his little joy-filled Snoopy dance, she tried to make him stop. “How dare he dance when there is so much suffering in the world?!,” she complained to all who would listen. She always liked to give advice and tell everybody what to do. She even had a psychiatrist booth and charged 5 cents! But, her advice was often more critical than helpful.

Even when you think everything is fine, Critics come along and tell you what’s wrong with you and the world. They criticize your beliefs, ideas, and plans. Then, they tell you exactly how to fix everything according to their own ideas of how the world should be. They fill us with self-doubt and bring us down with their negativity. It’s hard to feel good around a Critic. But, Critics are everywhere. You probably know one.

CRITIC TRAITS

According to Dr. Parrott, Critics share the following traits: perfectionist; bossy; controlling; arrogant; judgmental; exhausting; preachy; and nitpicky.

Perfectionist

Bossy – They sometimes insist you follow their advice.

Controlling – They use criticism to get power and control over you.

Arrogant – They think they know everything and they’re always right.

Judgmental – They think everyone else is always wrong.

Exhausting – They drain your energy with constant criticisms.

Preachy – They always teach you how to do things the “right” way.

Nitpicky – They always find something to complain about.

WHY CRITICS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Critics believe their criticisms are helpful. They think if they point out your faults, you will be motivated to change. But, they are wrong. Most people react to criticism by defending themselves, not by changing any habits. On the contrary, people change as a result of quiet soul searching or with the help of someone who is patient, kind, and encouraging, as opposed to bossy, arrogant, and preachy.

If Critics think they see a problem, they blurt out solutions without thinking. They don’t stop to ask themselves whether you want their advice or if they could phrase it more gently. Instead, they suddenly surprise us with unsolicited advice/criticisms like: “I can’t believe you let your kids stay out so late! I would never do that.” Or, “Is your office always this messy?” Or, “If you don’t improve your posture, you’re going to have serious back problems.” They think they are only offering useful tips to solve problems.

Many Critics think they are just being honest or just being themselves. The Critics who believe this are often nice to everyone but their friends and family members.

Then, there are also Critics who got their bad habits from overly critical parents or other close family members or friends. They grew up thinking it was normal to find fault with everyone and everything, so they just stick to the type of conversations they know best.

With Critics, it’s important to remember there are many different kinds with different motives. At one end, the mean Critics with very low self-esteem strike out at everyone to make themselves feel better. But, at the other end, there are Critics who sincerely want to help but offer it too strongly and too negatively.

DEALING WITH CRITICS

Even though dealing with Critics is difficult, some of their advice can be helpful. The trick is to know how to handle Critics without letting them bring you down.

See Your Own Critical Ways

We all criticize others we know. The interesting part is we are always shocked when we learn that others have criticized us. This is universal. We are all part Critic. We can learn to deal with Critics better by understanding that we are at least a little like them.

Try Empathy

If you have Critics in your life who suffered harsh lives, try to imagine how you might feel if you had to endure their experiences. This may help you be more patient with them and take some of the sting out of their criticisms.

Keep One Ear Open

Don’t completely tune out your Critics. Sometimes they have useful information. If you don’t fully understand their comments, ask them to explain it further or repeat it in your own words. For example, you can say, “Let me see if I understand what you’re telling me. You think ….” Then, ask whether you got it right. But, if you know your Critics don’t really care about you and are not trying to help you with their criticisms, go ahead and tune them out.

Select Your Criticisms

Don’t focus on the few who criticize you for something if there are many more who don’t. Set your own standards for any criticisms you accept as valid and, thus, worth any serious attention. Test their comments against your own good common sense. Whatever you do, don’t let Critics destroy your self-esteem or your dreams.

Protect Your Soft Spots

We all know the parts of our lives we feel sensitive about. It may be our big dreams of success or relationships with certain people. Protect yourself from Critics’ bruising your soft spots by gently asking them to leave those subjects alone. For example: “You are welcome to evaluate my work since you are my boss; but, please don’t tell me how to raise my children.”

Schedule “Complaint Sessions”

If you have coworkers who interrupt you any time of the day to vent their complaints about anyone or anything, try saying something like this: “You seem upset. I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of something I have to get done. Can we talk about it [in ten minutes/over lunch/after lunch/after work/tomorrow]?” Then, give them your full attention at the scheduled time.

Special Tip for Husbands and Wives

Husbands often complain that their wives nag them. And, wives often complain that their husbands don’t do things that are needed around the house. If the husbands don’t get projects done quickly enough, their wives remind them to get it done. Then, the husbands get annoyed and resentful and delay the work even longer. Then, the wives get frustrated and their reminding turns into nagging. This whole pattern turns into a vicious cycle that can damage marriages.

Dr. Parrott shares an interesting point from Deborah Tannen’s book You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Women were raised to please others, so doing what others ask of them is a way of showing love. Men, since they were boys, always interpreted requests for actions nothing more than orders to do something. Thus, when a wife sees that her husband didn’t do what she asked him to do—and he agreed to do—she feels hurt and thinks how could he not care enough about her to do this little thing he agreed to do? So, disappointed, she reminds him and hopes that he really does care enough about her to do it later rather than never. But, when she reminds him, he feels she is ordering him again to do something he said he would do just to show him who’s boss, taking away his sense of free will to do things when he’s good and ready.

Unless the work must get done immediately because of a real emergency, it’s best for wives to let their husbands do it whenever they want. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. On the contrary, letting them take their time and, thus, giving them the freedom to do things their own way—especially when they are doing you a favor—can be your way of showing them how much you love them. In return, if you show your appreciation for their hard work during and after the project, they will feel proud, appreciated, and loved. Consequently, they are more likely to do more work for you cheerfully in the future.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Backstabber; Control Freak; Flirt; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; Workhorse; and Chameleon.