High-Maintenance Personalities: The Backstabber

Tuesday, December 4th 2007 by Shanel Yang         Email this article to a friend

Photo by James W Bell

“The Backstabber” is the most dangerous high-maintenance personality described in Dr. Parrott’s book High-Maintenance Relationships: How to Handle Impossible People (1996). They are dangerous because they act like your friend. But, just when you need them most, they stab you in the back. Suddenly, someone you thought was your friend has turned into your enemy.

They might tell your secrets to other people after swearing to you they would never do that. They might steal your ideas and take all the credit. Or, they might undermine you and your chances of success in other sneaky ways. You know you’ve been stabbed in the back if you feel the sharp stabbing pain of betrayal.

BACKSTABBER TRAITS

According to Dr. Parrott, Backstabbers are usually vindictive, revengeful, deceitful, conniving, resentful, angry, and passive-aggressive.

Vindictive – Backstabbers keep a long, detailed list of everything they think anyone ever did wrong to them.

Revengeful – Their motto is: “Don’t get mad, get even.” They want revenge.

Deceitful – They often make promises they never mean to keep.

Conniving – They come up with clever, unexpected ways to sabotage you.

Resentful – They can’t let go of past insults or even mistakes that hurt them.

Angry – Backstabbers are mad at the world, whether they show it or not.

Passive-Aggressive – On the outside, Backstabbers act overly nice and supportive; but, on the inside, they are full of conflict and resentment.

WHY BACKSTABBERS ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Backstabbers act the way they do because, like Sponges, they lack self-esteem. They fear they aren’t good enough to succeed at anything in life using fair, honest methods. So, they use sneaky methods, like lying and cheating. Backstabbers try to keep you down so they can stand taller in comparison. But, if you challenge them, you need to watch your back!

Some Backstabbers believe life has been unfair to them, so they react by being unfair to everyone else. They have carried deep feelings of inadequacy and injustice for so long, and denied it even to themselves, that they resent you for anything good that you have.

DEALING WITH BACKSTABBERS

The reason Backstabbers hurt us so much is that they act like our loyal friends to win our trust, until we let down our guard and reveal our vulnerable side to them. So, when they betray us, we not only feel hurt because of their deceitful actions, but also because we feel foolish for having been so completely deceived.

See Your Own Backstabbing Ways

We all have had revenge fantasies. But, most of us don’t act on them. We know that revenge is not really all that sweet. Knowing we sometimes feel this way helps us understand Backstabbers at least a little bit.

Watch Your Back

Don’t share your secrets with anyone you meet too soon. Backstabbers often share their own “secrets” in an attempt to make you believe they are trustworthy. But, be careful! Most trustworthy don’t open up too quickly with people they just met.

Confront Them

Most Backstabbers are afraid to be discovered. If you suspect a so-called friend is really trying to sabotage you, don’t wait to see what happens. Immediately but calmly tell them calmly what you know or suspect. If they say something harmful about you or do something that harms, ask them what they meant by it or why they did it. They will probably try to explain away their behavior, and that’s fine. No need to argue. Leave it alone. The point is merely to let them know that you are not a complete fool.

Stand Up for Other Victims

If you hear a Backstabber saying something negative about people who are not in the room, stand up for the victims who are not there to defend themselves. You can say, “I just don’t believe it.” Or, mention something positive about the victims.

Create a Paper Trail

Verbal confrontations with Backstabbers can be intimidating. Backstabbers are good at arguing that everyone else but them is at fault for any problems. Instead, use the written word to record what actually happened. Send letters, memos, or emails to the file, trusted coworkers, or supervisors. And, always remember to keep copies in a safe place.

Build a Network of Allies

At work or school, make and keep many allies among your peers and superiors. Get to know them on a personal level. Become friends. Not only will this make your work or school more fun, it will protect you if Backstabbers try to bad mouth you.

Let Go of Revenge

If you’ve been the victim of a Backstabber, let the hurt go. Living well is the best revenge. Anything else means the Backstabber succeeded in keeping you down.

CONCLUSION

This is part of the series of articles called “High-Maintenance Personalities.” Click on the personality you want to read about next: Sponge; Critic; Control Freak; Flirt; Gossip; Martyr; Wet Blanket; Cold Shoulder; Workhorse; and Chameleon.

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