How to Find Your Soul Mate
Many of you are searching for true love. Others of you may believe you have already found it. Still others of you may be in relationships that are not great but you think that any love is better than no love.
If you haven’t found true love, or if you’re not sure, here is some helpful advice on how to find that special someone perfect for you.
And, if you’re staying in a bad relationship because you fear loneliness, there are worse things than being alone, such as losing your self-respect, self-confidence, and self-worth. When you’ve lost all three, you’re in danger of losing the drive and creativity needed to know your life goals, let alone reach them.
CRAZY SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS NOT TRUE LOVE
Too many songs, movies, and books have painted a distorted picture of true love. They would have you believe that you can fall in love at first sight, your heart will beat like mad, your palms will sweat, and every thought will be preoccupied with the person who so suddenly and completely stole your heart. This does happen. But it’s not true love. It’s chemistry. It’s the crazy sexual attraction you feel toward any person who can trigger the release of the strong pleasure chemicals in your brain called pheromones.
Pheromones are released in our brains when our bodies detect in another person’s body the existence of certain preferred DNA. Our bodies detect the other person’s DNA from the way that person smells. However, the crazy sexual attraction caused by pheromones indicates only one thing: The two persons experiencing it are a good genetic fit, meaning the combination of their DNA is likely to produce physically healthy offspring. What pheromones don’t care about at all is whether these two persons are a good personality fit, or whether they are likely to drive each other crazy.
One major problem with crazy sexual attraction is it usually makes you do things you would never even think about doing before you were under the influence of this powerful drug. It makes you do shameful things, like any drug addict would for the next fix. Some lie, cheat, steal, and even kill others or themselves for it. Romeo and Juliet’s mutual crazy sexual attraction drove them to take their own young lives as soon as they thought they could no longer have their intoxicating love. A true story of the tragedy that can result from crazy sexual attraction was made into the movie called “Dance with a Stranger.” It was about the last executed person in England. A beautiful, lower class, single, older woman with a little boy, was hanged for shooting and killing her younger, handsome, upper class lover after he suddenly ended their affair. In the end, their relationship caused both their families as much pain as it had caused them.
Another problem with crazy sexual attraction is it never lasts. Yet, often, these tumultuous relationships drag on for years, long after the sexual attraction has died. Perhaps these couples hope in vain that the old flame will reignite someday. Or maybe they believe that they are doomed to stay together because they experienced their greatest passion and greatest pain together.
True love can exist quite nicely without crazy sexual attraction, for example, with a more smoldering, lingering sexual attraction. However, even the strongest sexual attraction without true love is a recipe for disaster. I suppose it’s possible to win the lottery by finding the lucky combination of crazy sexual attraction and true love. But, I’ve never seen any real life examples of this—and only heard about it in songs, movies, and books.
PROTECTIVENESS IS A SIGN OF TRUE LOVE
If crazy sexual attraction is not true love, what is? One sign of true love is a desire to protect the other person from pain, discomfort, and embarrassment. Also, it is a desire to see that person safe, happy, and successful. This differs from crazy sexual attraction, which focuses on making the other person give you pleasure and satisfaction. When you truly love someone, you don’t want to force him or her to love you. Of course, you want them to love you. But, you are able to let go if they want someone else because you want them to be happy. You support their major life decisions even if you don’t agree with them.
If this was all there was to true love, we would all be in love with our closest friends. But, there must also be some chemistry, not the crazy sexual attraction discussed above, but enough to start a romantic relationship. Your heart will not threaten to beat out of your chest, but you will find this person’s company comfortable and comforting. Time passes pleasantly when you’re with this person, and sometimes you even have great fun together.
The more the two of you get to know each other slowly, if you let your heart open up, a little at a time, this person might provide you with more examples of his or her protective feelings towards you. If so, and if the feelings are mutual, you two can gradually develop a deep, rich love that is more satisfying and enduring than any crazy sexual attraction.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT BUT ARE NOT SOUL MATES
A soul mate is the person who is your true love and your best friend. If you want a soul mate, do not pick someone who is too different from you. There is a saying that “opposites attract but do not marry.” Unfortunately, too many opposites do marry and ultimately find themselves in miserable marriages. Although some couples learn over time to tolerate each other’s differences, life is so much more enjoyable when you go through it with someone who shares, and, thus, is equally excited about, your core values, interests, and pastimes. Only in this way can your life partner also be your soul mate.
The initial thrill of too many differences eventually loses its appeal as months turn to years, and you begin to long for someone who can simply understand you or at least not disagree with you constantly. You eventually spend more and more time apart from each other after you finally give up trying to change either yourself or your partner to change core beliefs, interests, and pastimes to be more in sync.
After the good feelings are gone, you two may still stay together for the sake of the children or the business or the community. Or out of habit. Or perhaps out of a fear that it’s too late to hope for anything better. But, it’s never too late. Staying with someone you don’t love, respect, and cherish as your soul mate robs at least four persons of their chance at happiness: you, your partner, and the two other individuals in the world who are waiting to be soul mates with each of you. The negative effects of a bad relationship extend further to the unhappy couple’s family members, friends, and coworkers, who all must suffer in different ways for the couple’s never ending drama of complaints, break-ups, reunions, and despair.
PATIENCE AND FORGIVENESS ARE SIGNS OF TRUE LOVE
When a person genuinely loves you, he or she will show you a lot of patience and forgiveness for your occasional careless or rude behavior. But don’t take advantage of it. If you do, it is a sure sign that you do not really love that person. Couples that really love each other would feel deeply remorseful to learn that they have hurt the other’s feelings.
Never test your love just for the sake of testing it. Simply observe how you feel when you’re in that person’s presence. Is he or she attentive to your needs? Are you attentive to his or hers? Is there sufficient give and take in the relationship, or is it mostly a one-way street? Do you smile at each other, touch each other, and look into each other’s eyes often?
Picture yourself with your partner in 20 years. Does that image fill your heart with dread or make you smile? If your partner compliments you more than criticizes you, you probably smiled. No one wants to live with a critic, not even one who used to drive you crazy with desire.
FRIENDSHIP PLUS SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS THE BEST SIGN OF TRUE LOVE
True love is friendship plus sexual attraction. If you enjoy spending every spare moment of your time with your life partner, he or she is already your best friend. This type of relationship makes you stronger with self-confidence, self-respect, and self-worth, all of which are necessary to help you fulfill your greatest potential. In turn, you help increase these three things in your partner. When both you and your partner are empowered with true love, you can accomplish anything together, including each of you becoming your own greatest heroes!
Be sure to get the latest articles as soon as they’re posted by signing up here!
[For “How to Kiss with Confidence,” click here.]
[For “Tips for Internet Personals,” click here.]
[For “10 Tips on Internet Dating,” click here.]
[For “How to Ask for a Date,” click here.]
[For “The Science of Physical Attraction,” click here.]
[For “Do Blondes Have More Fun?,” click here.]
[For “How to Look Great at the Beach,” click here.]
[For “Naturally Beautiful Skin,” click here.]
[For “Why Do We Fall in Love?!,” click here.]
[For “Why We Really Fall in Love,” click here.]
[For “Why Won’t He Call?,” click here.]
[For “Is She Into Me or Just Nice?,” click here.]
[For “How to Read People,” click here.]
[For “How to Be an Extrovert,” click here.]
[For “30 Statements for Great Relationships,” click here.]
[For “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” click here.]
June 11th, 2008 at 5:58 am
Sometimes when you’re not looking is the best time for you to find soemone.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Hi Ken,
Interesting that you should mention that. For years, I resisted the saying that you can only find that special someone when you finally stop looking. I was all about action and not letting life happen to me but making it happen exactly the way I want it. So, I went on a long crusade to find the “right” man for me. Wrong! Ironically, when I finally (and I do mean finally) stopped searching (because I actually gave up and began to embrace the idea that I might be happier single), the perfect man for me did suddenly appear in my life.
And, because I was comfortable with the idea of being single, I was very slow to let things evolve past friendship, waiting until I was as sure as I think anyone can be that this really is the right man for me. But, it snuck up on me. Both his appearance and the friendship growing into a romantic relationship. It was so effortless — like no relationship I had ever had before. I thought, “Wow! So this is how it’s supposed to be? No drama? Just relaxing and fun? Who knew?”
Thanks for your comment!
June 17th, 2008 at 5:22 am
I just turned 40 but I’m not willing to settle and I won’t. Sure I can get a girlfriend if I want to but what’s the point. I’m kinda old fashioned and I really still believe in true love and all that kind of stuff. Of course my parents being asian they sometimes wonder why I’m not married yet while my brother already has 3 kids and another due in August. That’s the only time I feel the pressure otherwise I’m as happy as a clam living the single bachelor life, having a few friends and going out on dates and just having fun with my life.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I totally agree that getting into a relationship just be in one as opposed to waiting for the right one is a waste of time — for you, her, and the right people for each of you who have to wait till the two of you are free again!
Most Asian parents apply too much pressure on their kids to get married and start having kids in their 20s and definitely no later than their 30s. My parents thought I was a hopeless old maid when I wasn’t married by 24! In my opinion, that’s simply too young for most people. Of course, there are always exceptions. But, most of us are still experimenting with our personalities, our likes and dislikes, and what we want/need in our friends — let alone a life partner — in our 20s and 30s!
I have to wonder why you feel pressure as a result of your brother having a growing family. Is it because your parents pressure you more during each child’s birth? Or, do you personally feel you are being somehow left behind? If it’s just your parents’ worries, reassure them that you are happy and that’s what’s important. The worst thing you could do is hurry up and get married just to appease them. You have to live with your life decisions — not them. And, that just wouldn’t be fair to the woman or your future kids.
But, if you feel pressure from within yourself every time your brother has another child, then you have some soul-searching to do about why you feel that way. It may be something as simple as you always assumed you’d be happily married with kids by now. Lots of us thought that way as kids. I think if, as a kid, I had looked into a crystal ball and saw myself at age 41 with no husband, no kids, and leaving the “glamorous” job of a lawyer to become the proverbial “starving” artist, I’d recoiled from that crystal ball in shock and horror!
Yet, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Because I stopped living the life that my parents wanted me to live in my mid- to late-30s. During that same time period, I had to actually find out what kind of life I wanted for myself instead. As Bruce Lee said, you have to empty your already full cup (at least a little) if you want to fill it up with anything new. So, I have to wonder if the pressure you feel might be something you want to empty from your cup. It’s all up to you!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:49 am
I like the analogy of the cup. I have said many many times that it is better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. That being said, in the back of my mind, I do want a family like my brother. Here’s the thing, I have a successful carrer, I have a house, I am financialy responsible and able to support a family. People look at me and think,”What is wrong with you?”. The only thing missing in my life is a family. Yes, my family does put pressure on me There is this girl at church that is about the same age as me. She’s never been married and has no kids. I know that she would make a good wife. She is an honest person and very humble and loves the Lord. My parents really like her and want me to marry her but I just have no sexual attraction towards her. I’m reminded about one of your articles saying that love isn’t that crazy sexual lust thing and I agree, but don’t you think that I should have at least a little sexual attraction. I guess part of the problem is that I’ve known her as a “sister” in the Lord for so long that maybe I can’t look at her in a sexual way. We’ve been on a few dates and I know she likes me but I just can’t lead her on like that. I know she wants to get married soon because having children at a later age would be problematic.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:34 am
I absolutely agree that chemistry or physical/sexual attraction is important! The point I tried to make with this article is that “crazy” physical attraction — with nothing else — is a formula for disaster. But, definitely the two of you should feel a lot of physical/sexual attraction to each other (and be compatible in many other ways) if you’re considering marriage!
Here’s a simple test. Imagine waking up next to her every morning for the rest of your life. Do you like what you see lying next to you? Does gazing into her sleeping face make you smile with wonder and pride that she chose to be with you over everyone else in the world? There are many aspects to a person that can arouse such deep, profound feelings; and, not all of them are based on one’s physical appearance. It may have just as much to do with the way she talks, walks, sits, eats, thinks, feels — in other words, any number of combination of things.
You wonder if your lack of attraction to her might be due to having interacted with her for too long ” as a ’sister’ in the Lord.” But, I’ve never known physical attraction to magically stop at the doors of a church. It either exists or it doesn’t — that’s why it’s called chemistry!
There are many more choices than just the two that you pose of being either (1) single and lonely or (2) married and miserable. For example, you could very well be (3) single and happy or (4) married and happy. What choices No. 3 and 4 have in common is that you are happy with yourself! Happiness is something you have to achieve on your own. Then, once you are happy, you can choose to be either single and happy or married and happy. Here’s the secret: It’s a lot easier to become happy while you’re single than to try to become happy while you are already married b/c then you’re dealing with not just your own unhappiness but also your spouse’s (and, if you have children, then also your children’s) unhappiness, too. Here’s another secret: A relationship will not make you happy if you are not already happy as a single. Finally, one last secret: You cannot make another person happy; only they can do that for themselves.
If I were her and I knew you were not physically attracted to me, I’d thank you for your honestly and do whatever I could to get over you, so I could be ready for the man who will cherish me and thank his lucky stars he found me. She deserves that. And, so do you! And, believe it or not, it is possible that two people can feel this way for each other. I’m living proof!
Having your own children with someone you don’t love is not fair to anyone in that scenario, especially not the kids. In my opinion, it’s one of the most selfish things an adult can do. Those poor kids never know what a loving marriage or family is really like. Instead, they see obvious dissatisfaction; escape into work, hobbies, friends, or, sometimes, even, infidelity; and, about 1/2 the time, the painful, disruptive force that is divorce. Please, don’t go into a loveless marriage just to have kids — for the sake of the kids. Way too many Asians do this, I’m afraid.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:46 am
I’ve been wrapped up in taking care of other people’s welfare and happiness that I have neglected my own happiness.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Ken - You may be surprised to hear this, but I’m so totally happy for you! The fact that you now realize that you have neglected your own happiness while spending too much time and effort (and probably money, too — either by giving away too much of your hard-earned dollars or by foregoing too many important opportunities to earn more) to take care of other people’s needs is a very big deal.
Realizing this is the first and most important step. Now that you’ve taken it, I am confident that you will follow your instincts to right the imbalance and start taking care of your own neglected needs and wants. Yes, you, too, deserve to be happy and enjoy life! I can’t recall if you had emailed me and requested a copy of my ebook Cuckoo in Your Nest! If you haven’t, please let me know and I’ll email you a copy immediately. Then, read it and take the messages in it to heart. I wrote it for people just like you who are too nice for your own good — literally. Then, when you are completely drained, you are no good even for those you truly want to help. And, guess what? Those whom you have been slaving away to help somehow miraculously seem to get along just fine without your help anyway. Because when all your resources (your time, energy, and money) are gone, they will always find someone else to help them. That’s the nature of the “human Cuckoo.”
I’m also very excited for you because you are old enough (40 is the wake-up call to realize one’s full potential) yet free enough (no spouse or kids) to really make big changes in your life very quickly. No one can hold you back but you! But, I would wager that you’ll find your big dream within the next year and start living a totally different and amazingly happy life in no less than two years. I’m so happy for you!!
August 5th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Hello Shanel, I’m enjoying reading your articles. I have to tell you though, you’re wrong about the crazy sexual attraction and true love not going together. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and we’re still in love and very crazily attracted to each other! My husband fell in love with me “at first sight” as they say and I felt the total crazy attraction the first time we kissed. It was pretty unforgettable–like a lightning bolt went through me! Over the years it has calmed down a lot but we still have a very strong physical reaction to each other–just physically compatible I guess! And we enjoy each other’s minds and hearts as well. I’m not explaining it well, but believe me, it exists. In spite of the “crazy sexual attraction,” we always felt comfortable and relaxed in each other’s company from the beginning. We didn’t have a tumultuous relationship–we hardly ever disagree and we have had a single fight about money or sex!
But we are very different people, different backgrounds, ethnicity, career orientation (he’s a scientist, I’m an English major) different temperaments (I’m quick to anger, but cool off quickly, he’s the opposite) pretty much diametric opposites–we think it’s part of the attraction–we find each other exotic and wonderful. But we have the same basic values about life so we never disagree on basic things like how to live our lives.
BTW, do you think you could send me your _Cuckoo in your nest_ book? My MIL really needs it!
August 5th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Hi Nebula! Thanks for your comment and feedback — and for your amazing story of true love at first sight and first kiss! I’m so happy for you two! I’m sure you realize how rare your situation is. There’s always the exception that proves the rule! : )
I’ll send you a copy of my ebook immediately. Hope your mother-in-law enjoys it!